Did you hear that story about the Malaysian newspaper that published guidelines on how to spot a gay guy? No, that story is not fake news. However, I'm not so sure about the contents of those guidelines.
According to Sinar Harian, a Malay tabloid, here are some easy indicators to figure out whether the boy next to you is actually gay:
First - gay men like going to the gym (and, by the way, not to exercise, but to check out other men.) Second, gay men like wearing tight clothes. Third, gay men sport beards on their homosexual faces. Fourth, and this is spectacularly mind-blowing, the eyes of gay men widen whenever they see attractive men.
Fire and fury. Derision. Hilarity. All sorts of reactions met these guidelines. But dears, such short memories we have. Don't we remember? A not-too-distant five years ago, the Malaysian Education Ministry published official guidelines for checking for symptoms of gayhood. As discussed in my scholarly article in this very paper and in this very column in September of the year 2012, these important symptoms for gay men were that they:
1. Have a muscular body and like to show their body (sic) by wearing V-necks and sleeveless clothes;
2. Prefer tight and light-colored clothes;
3. Are attracted to men; and
4. Like to bring big handbags, similar to those used by women.
Obviously, these tips disseminated by the ministry have done much to educate the Malaysian press. They're in perfect alignment as to the wearing of spandex! And as for the muscular bodies first detected by the Ministry, that may have already morphed into the gym bunny culture now identified by Sinar Harian.
Such foresight to actually update the ministry guidelines.
The one thing I'm not so sure about is the sporting of beards. That might really just be prevalent in hirsute societies, but in other Asian societies like ours, where most of the men are hairless (and where those who do have hair like shaving them off), that gaydar strategy may not be as helpful.
But now that the cat is out of the man-purse, do I detect a rush of men rushing to barber shops to have their beards shaved off, now that this is a tell-tale sign of the love that dare not say its name?
As for lesbians, the Education Ministry said five years ago that they can be detected if the female:
1. Is attracted to women;
2. Besides their female "companion", will distance themselves from other women;
3. Likes to hang out, have meals and sleep in the company of women; and
4. Has no affection for men.
Comparing that against the tabloid, the published rules of thumb were first, that lesbians hate men, and second, that they enjoy hugging.
Life has been made so simple, yes? "Reductionist" is probably a good way to describe these lesbo descriptors.
Now I'm not going to try to take a swing at what the Malaysian tabloid just preached to its readership base. Using that adage "the thing speaks for itself," I don't think I have to. We could try to just have a good laugh at the expense of the Malaysian press, but gosh. How sad it is for our unfortunate Malaysian brethren that they are subjected to these founts of wisdom.
And don't let me get started on Indonesia. (Did you hear that story about how their lawmakers now want to criminalize gay sex?)