A man walks into a Mail-Boxes-Express section of the post office one day and sees a middle-aged, bald fellow at the counter busily placing “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts misting the batch of letters... Amazed and curious, the man goes up to the busy fellow and asks him what in the world he’s doing.
“Oh, I’m sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, ‘Guess who?’”
“But why?” asks the man.
“I’m a divorce lawyer!”
Divorce has been legalized in many countries. And it has become very common and acceptable to many. In fact, even in our own country, some lawmakers are advocating the legalization of divorce. But the Catholic Church does not allow divorce.
On the surface, the Gospel reading today seems to permit divorce. The Jewish leaders try to test Jesus with the burning question of divorce. Jesus quoted the Mosaic regulation, which allows divorce under certain conditions, but then pointed out that Moses laid down the regulation only to meet the hardness of men’s hearts.
Jesus then went all the way back to the Creation story in Genesis. There, the very nature of marriage shows that it was meant to be a permanent commitment. In the very constitution of the universe, marriage was meant to have an absolute permanency and unity, which no Mosaic regulation dealing with a temporary situation could change.
Someone once said that the main cause of divorce was marriage! Even though the person who said that meant it to be a funny statement, in a certain sense it contains a lot of truth.
Most of the people seeking divorce either lack understanding or preparation for marriage, or lack a sense of commitment that marriage entails.
Love, the foundation of marriage, is a word that we meet every day. We hear about it in songs, on TV and movies; we read about it in books, magazines and newspapers. But like any too familiar words, it can mean a lot of different things.
Oftentimes in the movies, people speak of “love,” when they mean sexual attraction. So they may say, “Let’s make love,” when they mean, “Let’s have sex.”
But most often love is identified with romantic feelings and infatuation. That’s what the popular songs and TV shows and a lot of movies communicate to us. Sad to say that many young people jump into marriage mainly on the basis of this romantic feeling and sexual attraction, only to be surprised and disappointed after a while, when difficult responsibilities come around.
Some people say that when a man and a woman hold hands before marriage, it is love. When a man and a woman hold hands after marriage, it is self-defence.
Sister Kieran Sawyer, who developed a program for sex and catholic youth called “Choose Life, Choose Love,” identifies four types of boy-girl (or man-woman) relationship. The following descriptions, perhaps oversimplified, can give us an idea of the different types:
The first type is usually Infatuation – characterized by strong physical attraction and need for frequent contacts either in person or by “telebabad,” love notes, or “texting.” Feelings and emotions dominate the relationship. When everything seems nice and exciting, the unpleasant side of the personality is hardly noticed or, if noticed, is downplayed. This stage can develop into either “friendship” or “exploitation.”
The second type is Exploitation – it is self-centered, making use of the other person for one’s own needs, pleasure or satisfaction. There’s a strong desire to “possess” and “control” the other person. And exploitation can be mutual.
Someone said, “I promised myself I would not marry until I find the ideal woman. Well, after a long and painful search, I finally found her. But, alas, she was searching for her ideal man, as well.”
The third is Friendship – a concern for the wellbeing of the other person. It is a willingness to sacrifice for the sake of the other person. And then friendship can develop into…
The fourth type: Love, where one is ready to make a commitment to care and give oneself for the good of the beloved.
St. Paul’s hymn of love is a good description of this stage. He writes:
“Love is patient, love is kind. It is not jealous,
[love] is not pompous, it is not inflated, it is not rude,
it does not seek its own interests… ”
Love is self-giving and self-sacrificing.
In actual relationships, there is usually a combination of two or more elements. The important thing is which one dominates.
When couples at the stage of infatuation or exploitation jump into a marriage carried by the surge of emotion, they will find disappointment and frustration later on, when the romantic “high” settles down and the weight of daily responsibility takes over; when the moonlight and roses become pacing a crying baby in one’s arms in middle of the night.
A good marriage requires a level of spiritual and psycho-emotional maturity.
There’s an old story about a young man who knocked at the door of a house. A voice from within said, “Who is it?”
The young man said, “It’s me! I’ve come to ask permission to marry your daughter.”
The voice from within said, “Go away! You’re not ready! Come back in a year.”
A year later, the young man returned and knocked again. The voice from within said, “Who is it?”
The young man said, “It’s us. We’ve come to ask your permission to marry.”
The voice from within said, “Please come in! You are now ready!”
Marriage is thinking and acting as one, not as individuals. In marriage, the important thing is not thinking alike, but thinking together.
Now, a Church wedding is not just an agreement between two consenting adults to live together, nor is it just a partnership contract with rights and obligations. When the love between a man and a woman is consecrated before the altar of God, that love becomes sacred because God enters into the relationship.
Therefore every loving thought and action from a charming smile to the marital act becomes the channel of God’s grace to enrich the God-life and love of the married couple. This sacred bond no human or human institution can dissolve.
Donald T. Kauffman states, “A good marriage is not a contract between two persons but a sacred covenant between three. Too often Christ is never invited to the wedding and finds no room in the home.”
Unlike the fairy tale endings, in which the love story ends in a marriage, the love between a husband and wife must continue to grow for the rest of their lives. The expression of love at the silver or golden wedding anniversary may be different from the expression of love when the couple were in their 20s, but love must continue to grow in a creative way.
I believe that silver and golden wedding anniversaries are not just private celebrations – they are public events, because they are witnessing to the fact that marriage works, and it is beautiful!
Our love should not be just words and talk; it must be true love, which shows itself in life and action. And man must not separate what God has joined together.