Marital proposition

The funniest thing just happened. A solon in Congress has just filed a bill to make gay marriages illegal. Quick double-take. There’s something a bit off here. Last time I checked, gay marriages weren’t even legal in this country. So, if it wasn’t legal, how do you make it illegal?

The very concept of marriage is that it’s a state-sanctioned union. Two persons think they want to get hitched, they can perform all sorts of arcane ceremonies, the bride can wear the most pristine of white gowns, and the best wedding planner can launch the most lavish of parties while the sweetest string orchestra plays, but without the blessings of the state, then it’s still not a wedding. 

The only way a couple can have a ceremony that’s going to amount to a real wedding is if they go through all the hoops that the state says they have to tumble through before they can be wed (and I’ve heard some amazing stories about those hoops, including the so-called marriage counseling requirement). 

So, after trudging through all those steps, a marriage license is finally issued, and then an officiating officer that’s properly qualified has to be tapped, before a valid marriage happens. Oh, and by the way, those pieces of paper they sign have to get filed somewhere in a dusty office, and if they don’t, the marriage isn’t recorded. Ergo, no marriage. 

The point I’m so painstakingly trying to make here is the equally painful fact that our government takes so much trouble to dictate what has to be done before a marriage exists. Despite the many grumbles these requirements occasion, no marriage is legal before all of them have been complied with. So, what is this thing again about making gay marriages illegal? If this country doesn’t make it legal for two persons of the same sex to marry, how can it make something they don’t even allow to exist, illegal at the same time? 

I’d like to see this solon try to define the elements of this crime. It will be devilishly difficult to flesh out what those elements are going to be. Not just that, any attempt will be easily defeated by the quick and inventive minds of the gay population. 

For example, let’s say the law prohibits two persons who stand before a senior elder of their faith, and promise to their god, before a crowd of their peers, that they will love each other for the rest of their lives. Does that sound like a good definition for you?

Well, easy enough to evade.   What if the gay couple, both suffering from post-Catholic traumatic stress syndrome, cuts out the priest altogether, and just affirm their feelings for each other publicly? That’s one element out. No crime. 

Or, what if the couple just say they will love each other and only each other, but only for the next five years, and after that, all bets are off? Ka-ching! That’s another ceremony out of the pale of the law. 

Or what if they have all the guests wait outside in the garden, while the couple stays inside the privacy of their bed, and while they coo words of love to each other, their antics are beamed to the audience wining and dining outside? (Sounds like something I would love to attend.) Then, the female priestess sipping champagne outside shouts to them, “OK, I heard you guys in there, I now pronounce you man and hunk”?

Really, this bill is inane, and considering none of the members of the House wants to tackle any real issues any more as they’re too busy either running for re-election or mulling the President’s declaration of martial law for Maguindanao, the only reason I can see for the filing of the bill is self-aggrandizement. 

This solon (I can’t even remember his name, that’s how much of an impact he made on me) perhaps just wants to build up his track record, gain some political points, and garner some press coverage. Maybe, he’ll even get some funds from anti-gay groups for his re-election campaign. But whether standing alone as a bill, or even if passed as a law, this effort is futile, and will only be successful as a message of hate to the gay citizens of this country. 

Well, you know what they say about hatemongers: smother them with love! (So, I wonder, if I tell that solon publicly that I love him, could we be considered married? Ooh, where are the cuffs?)