McGloria

One fine day, as I was idly perusing the newspaper, I came across this photo of the most powerful woman in the United States. (No, I don't mean Oprah, silly, although she does come close.) Seeing as I'm perverse, this thought floated idly across my consciousness: If God granted me the chance to become Condoleeza Rice, would I take it?

Hmmm, tough decision, that one. On one hand, I'd be at the right hand of the most powerful man on earth. On the other, I'd be within sniffing distance of George Bush Junior.

Okay, maybe that's not the best way to make a decision. Maybe I should list down the pros and cons of 'Being Condoleeza', the better to arrive at an intelligent decision.

On the plus side, I'd be one of the most successful and accomplished women (and not just black) on earth. On the minus side, I'd look like Condoleeza.

On the plus side, all those white men with Ivy League degrees, who probably employ black maids back home, would be kowtowing to me. On the minus side, I'd still look like Condoleeza.

(This is not working. I'm going to have to try some other parameters for decision making aside from looks.)

On the plus side, almost everybody who can read knows my name. On the minus side, my name is Condoleeza.

(Kidding. Ok, seriously now)

On the plus side, I'd make crucial decisions on history-making (and very important-sounding) foreign policy. On the minus side, I'd have to defend decisions plotted and maneuvered into existence by the Bush administration, which are patently prompted by the sheer self-interest of the Grand Old Party.

On the plus side, I'd be the visible representation of the triumph of democracy and the success of the ideals of human, racial and feminist rights, as a black woman who made it through the corridors of power. On the minus side, I'd be trampling human rights every time the White House coddles a third world dictator because that dictator smiles on US oil companies.

On the plus side, I get to meet world leaders, presidents, prime ministers, you name it. On the minus side, I get to embrace African leaders like Equatorial Guinea President Teodoro Obiang, who has a despicable record for human rights, and who has tortured people left and right.

On the plus side, as the Secretary of State, I'm supposed to be championing democracy. On the minus side, I'd have to lie through my teeth by calling President Obiang a good friend of the United States.

On the plus side, my name would be published in all the newspapers the world over. On the minus side, I'd have editorials in publications as prestigious as the Washington Post slamming me and calling my actions an 'inglorious moment' in the history of America.

This is so not making me want to be Condoleeza.

Whether from the shallow perspective or from the substantive, seems like there's nothing to tempt me to become Condoleeza. I mean, just the name itself is unwieldy. Like, doesn't this woman even have a nickname? Condy? Condole? Leezah? (with an 'h' at the end). And the family name. I mean, I can't even call my kids Krispy, Fried, or Plain (which happen to be pet names I've been reserving for my litter since age five).

Oh, wait a minute, maybe, I know why I'd want to be Condoleeza Rice. Doesn't she have some kind of power over the CIA? Like maybe, she can order secret operatives to assassinate wanna-be columnists in some two-bit third-world country writing for a limited circulation tabloid posing as a newspaper, who bugs her for no reason except for sheer boredom?

Yeah, I can do that. Order the CIA on covert missions which need only have plausible deniability. Maybe with that sort of power, I'd want to be Condoleeza. I mean, what's another inglorious moment?