The Fear of Being Different

The tragedies we harbor in our minds far outnumber the ones that actually transpire in our lives. We worry about just anything, the significant and the inconsequential alike. It may be a good thing that we have this talent for figuring out what’s to come, but not quite so when our minds get consumed only with the ugly possibilities.

And it is not always thoughts of the outright bad and ugly outcomes that make us cower from pursuing worthwhile goals or from becoming what we are born to be. Many times we won’t do or be anything because it will make us look different from the others. Even our drive to excel and be the best sometimes goes only as far as our desire to be in rank with the other winners.   

When I was a child, my parents bought me a nice barong for my grade school graduation. It became a big problem to me. This was in the province and all my male classmates were wearing plain white polo shirts in the graduation rites. I didn’t want to be different; I worried about the possible teasing by the other kids (calling me “mayor” or “attorney”) when they’d see me in such formal attire. 

Looking back now, across the many years since, I can only smile at the memory. But it was really no joke at the time. I was miserable – utterly, abjectly miserable – at the simple thought of appearing different from the other kids.

Perhaps very few of us cannot recall a similar childhood episode, and fewer still do not carry some of this inexplicable fear of being different into our adult life. Peer pressure is not only known to be the biggest single factor in juvenile delinquency; among adults, many careers and marriages have been ruined because of it. Many grown-up people remain little kids inside, afraid to be left out of the group.

But, at some point, we need to mature and grow up from such childish worries as that of being different. We will never fully develop ourselves, realize our potentials and be in charge of our own lives if we continue to allow ourselves to be limited within what others want to see of us or, at least, of what we think they expect us to be. 

Of course, it’s a nice thing to intermingle and be just “one of the guys” sometimes. But if one is called to stand up and lead others effectively, he cannot simply complement the soft attitude of his group or they’re all doomed to mediocrity. In order to succeed, one needs to be what losers are not – aggressive, tireless, and most importantly, bold enough to be different if necessary.

We are social beings and, yes, we enjoy the company of others. But it is a different thing altogether to be addicted to our friends and allow our lives to be run by their opinions. We don’t need to be exactly like our friends in order to keep them. In fact, it’s our own uniqueness that will draw them to us.

We were not meant to be all alike; similar maybe, but not alike. We were each created with unique personalities, with unique abilities and talents, perhaps so that one’s weakness may be compensated by another’s strength. By upholding our individualities we may be able to stand strong together.   

No matter what field of endeavor we choose – science, politics, entertainment, business – the demand is always for the individual who stands out from the rest. At any dinner party, people mill around the one guest whose ideas are interesting because they are different. Likewise, a man’s prospects for success parallel almost exactly his capacity to produce new ideas, to show unusual persistence or energy, to take chances – thus, to be different.

I think people don’t really mind those who are different nearly as much as they object to the attitude of superiority that is sometimes displayed. Once, a U.S. Army general had a brilliant concept of air power. At the time, more than half a century ago, it was prophetic and astoundingly correct. Unfortunately, the official was too full of his own idea that he called anyone who disagreed with him a fool. As a result, no one supported his plans.

Standing alone does not necessarily mean keeping out of the rest. We must do our best to win others, without giving away what we stand for. And yet, because we are firmly founded, we shall be ready to go on our own if we have to.

We were not meant to cramp ourselves together in one nook. Each one of us has his own rightful place under the sun. The only thing is to be careful that no one spreads himself too much and blocks another from the light.