Accelerator flat down, the tires screech. Up the hill. Round the bend. Past the Casino. Down the hill. Brake sharp. Grip the wheel hard. Four tight curves down to the sea. Scream through the tunnel. Quick shift left into the port area. Swerve past the swimming pool. Power round the tight curve at the end of the port. Accelerate! On to the main straight ready for the hill again. Yeah!! Again? Oh, well...
I'd like to do it that fast, but there's only two ways you can do that - racing Formula One and very, very early in the morning, when there is no traffic and the police aren't checking speeding cars. Never at lunchtime. Never in an automatic car. And never in a Volvo.
Still, the guys from New York City are impressed... I think. Hairs standing on end, anyway. For sure you can't drive that fast in the Big Apple. Walking is faster than driving in New York. Anyone from Cebu who wants the Grand Prix Tour - just call me. Better than parasailing from the Shangri-La. Well, almost. (Thanks Jennie and the guys there for that parasail experience - it was fantastic!)
So here we are in Monaco, playground of the very rich and very famous! Home to High Society and Grace Kelly; sports stars, international financiers and high-rolling gamblers; the place the seriously wealthy park their yachts for a weekend.
What a simple word for the immense floating palaces moored in the harbor (I am a Viking : I have to start with the sea and boats). You could cross the harbor by jumping from yacht to yacht. Thankfully, not everyone has to be a multi-millionaire to have a marine lodging here; some of the port is still reserved for the local fishermen and day trippers. But still, such marvelous yachts!
(Hello there! Is the owner on board? No? Could I visit? Oh, I see. No, I don't know him, exactly. You are absolutely right - not at all, actually. By invitation only? Of course, just asking. Oh but can I take a photo? Thanks!)
Put the sea behind you and look back to the land. High up on the left, the Palace and the battlements of the Castle that has protected the Grimaldi family for 700 years. A bit further over on the left, just out of sight, Jacques Cousteau's Oceanographic Institute, from where he travelled the world in the Calypso to make those TV programs.
Back over on the right, just past the hill I see the Casino and most of the luxury hotels. Rising steeply in front of me, the exclusive fashion shops, the banks and the many-tiered apartment blocks rising up in Monte Carlo.
Standing back, Monaco looks like a squeezed-in Disneyland with a dash of Hong Kong. Most of the buildings are quite new and not that great to look at in the daytime. But at night the place is magical, sparkling with lights in the port and up to the mountain peaks.
Monaco is the third smallest country in Europe. Only the Vatican and the old crusader Order of Malta (now providing health care around the world) are smaller - the latter just two buildings hidden in the heart of Rome. Even so, there is always something to do and see in Monaco. Concerts, festivals, racing, soccer, even a small luna park with bungy jumping!
On the night of January 8th, 1297, Franceso Grimaldi and his men clambered up to the Castle overlooking the port from its steep ridge. While the men hid, Grimaldi dressed himself up as a poor monk. He knocked on the castle's door, asking the guards for shelter and to pray in the chapel. Suspecting nothing, the guards let him in. As soon as he was through, Grimaldi drew the sword he had hidden under his robes, killed them and opened wide the great door for his men. By morning the Castle was his. With only a few breaks in time, Grimaldi's descendents have held Monaco ever since. So now you know why the coat-of-arms of Monaco shows a monk with a sword.
Over in Fontvielle, the smaller harbor on the other side of the Palace, "Amici Miei" serves fine seafood. It's a great place just to hang out and watch the life of the port, the yachts maneuvering and the people bustling through their day.
In the evening it just has to be the "Stars 'n Bars" over in the main harbor by the Yacht Club. It looks like a Hard Rock Café, but it's different. Firstly, the decorations are all about racing - from the Tour de France to the ever-present Formula One. The stuff is given to the restaurant by the drivers, many of whom live here. Boutsen's racing car hangs from the ceiling! Several drivers hang out here too. I've been here many times and have seen Coulthard, Panis and Irvine. Most of the restaurant is outdoors, so you can sit under the stars, gaze across the city with its million lights, watch the fireworks as they celebrate another festive occasion and hear the soft sound of the sea as it cradles those magnificent yachts. And boy, are those BBQ spare ribs with french fries and spicy sauce good! At night the more popular places are Zebra Café and Jimmy's, both way over on the east side of town. Zebra's is cooler - a glasshouse tinted by blue neon bars of lights.