Loveme, lovemypet

I went to a wedding last weekend to which my pets were not invited, despite their winsome ways; although the dogs did join in the fun and frolic of the hen weekend a few weeks earlier. I can assure you, since you ask, that at no point in the proceedings were they given alcopops or made to wear knickers on their heads; even we humans didn’t stoop so low.

It’s inadvisable to turn up at a wedding with your pooch–even if your invitation includes the ambiguous clause "plus guest" and the dog’s wearing top hat and tails–but if you want your best pal to be best man or bitch of honor, it can be arranged.

When Gwen Stefani, the singer of No Doubt, got married at St. Paul’s church in Covent Garden, London, the groom, Gavin Rossdale of the band Bush, was escorted down the aisle by Winston, a sheepdog who was decked out in a rose-covered collar and lead. And the comedian Adam Sandler chose his bulldog, Meatball, to be the ring bearer at his Malibu wedding to Jackie Titone. As befits such an occasion, Meatball wore a tuxedo and yarmulke.

It’s not just wacky, wealthy celebrity types who indulge in this sort of thing, either; some pet-friendly hotels are licensed to hold wedding ceremonies, so non-human bridesmaids are now an option for anyone who doesn’t want their animal friend to be excluded from their big day.

Having a canine wedding guest is mildly eccentric, but the thing I absolutely can’t be doing with is pets marrying pets. This is not, alas, a flight of my fancy. Sigourney Weaver’s Italian greyhound, Petals, for example, was married to Jimmy at the family’s New York home because Weaver’s 10-year-old daughter Charlotte thought that Petals shouldn’t have puppies out of wedlock. Formal dress was requested for animal and human guests alike.

Chez Puppy, a gourmet dog bakery in California, sells dog wedding "ruffception" packs; you can also buy dog-couple cake decorations. Yes, some people actually do dress their pets in bridal gear and hold dog wedding ceremonies in hotels, parks or at home–mainly Americans, it has to be said, but according to Guinness World Records, the most expensive pet wedding took place in Thailand in 1996, when siamese cats Phet and Ploy were married in a lavish ceremony that cost more than $15,000.

Perhaps I should shrug all this off as an endearing whimsy, but I can’t help finding pet weddings grotesque. This unconventional, fun-loving masquerade is, in fact, a façade for something strangely conformist and coy. Dogs and cats don’t do romantic love or monogamy; girl dogs and boy dogs don’t look different–so why inflict human gender stereotypes with lace-trimmed veils and bow ties? Animals don’t make love, they mate. Petals, by the way, had a litter of puppies three months after the wedding and hasn’t seen Jimmy since the conception. Charlotte Weaver is said to be wondering whether the dogs should get a divorce. Wouldn’t it have been better to tell Charlotte the truth about stud dogs?

There, I’ve got that off my chest. Now for something really silly: marryyourpet.com–"the pet and people wedding specialists"–offers wedding certificates and "I married my pet" t-shirts for $35. Be warned, though: "We are not responsible for anything, ever." And you have no conjugal rights: "For the sake of clarity: you are not permitted to have sex with your pet." Previous weds include Luca and Dolph ("We decided to marry after we both lost weight on the Atkins diet") and Harry and Nosey Parker the Imperial Wizard ("She’s the best brood bitch in the world").

Such touching vows... I could throw confetti. –Guardian Newspapers Limited 2004