Children of Broken Homes

CEBU, Philippines - When people undergo this painful phase, it is difficult to understand the reasons why it has to happen. Of course, responses vary - from mood swings, loss of appetite, stress, isolation, failure at school, and many others.

But, as cliché as it may sound, time heals all wounds. Only that it always takes a big leap to move on without being bothered by what is left behind. Among children, it can be very difficult coping with this life-changing phase.

While children may have little to do with family breakups, they are often the ones who are worst affected. When their parents split up, the kids begin to see the world differently. It is the end of family moments at the beach, absence of a father or mother during birthdays, incomplete family portraits, or no more family movie marathons.

Then they feel powerless in making decisions. Sometimes they become the catch net of all the negative emotions of people around them. They, too, go through a grieving process, like adults - they react differently.

Often, kids from broken homes become clingy and withdrawn, or else, aggressive. They feel abandoned and have a general feeling of guilt for the family breakup. At times while at play, they break into outbursts by throwing their toys. Their performance at school is affected, as their minds are preoccupied with what is going on at home.

It can get much worse from there, if the separated parents do not take an effort to let the kids understand the separation. If the kids are left to "connect the dots" on their own, it's scary what figure they may come up with in their heads. It is the responsibility of both parents to reach out to their kids and assist their young minds to grasp the actual picture.

The experience of separation is similar to losing a loved one in death - it takes a long journey from despair to acceptance and recovery. It can take a long time for both the separated parents and their kids to come to terms with the bitter truth. As the kids grapple with the inner frustration and fear and anger within, the separated father and mother should be at hand and never leave the little ones on their own. Splitting up may mean the end of a special bond between two adults, but not the end of a relationship between a parent and child.

The Ramon Aboitiz Foundation Inc. Dolores Aboitiz Children's Fund (RAFI-DACF) encourages proper parental communication and assurance for young children whose parents have separated.  RAFI-DACF believes that children of broken homes all the more need the continuing love and protection of the parents. The mother and the father should fairly share responsibilities on the kids - both emotionally and financially.

The risk of emotional and psychological damage always hovers around children without proper guidance and comfort by responsible adults, especially their parents, and especially in the event of a home breakup. If adults cannot handle the critical responsibility of guiding the children, professional support shall be sought.

The following will help protect the kids from the emotional pain of their parents' separation:

.The whole family shall talk. Before the parents part ways, they shall sit down with the kids and explain the matter.

.The kids shall be told what is going to happen. Parents need to sort out all the apprehensions and worries of kids regarding possible changes in daily activities and family decision-making.

.In talking the matter out with the children, the age and level of understanding  of the kids must be taken into account.

.The children must be encouraged to ask questions. Even when the kids ask too many questions, parents shall answer these as politely and honestly as possible.

.Even with the breakup, children shall be made to feel that they are still family, and all things concerning the family will be shared with them.

.Children shall be made to understand that their parents' breakup is not the end of everything; that they just need to be strong and learn that change is an important element of life that they need to be ready for. And that nothing will upset a person who is ready for anything.

.The affected kids need to be reminded that they are the most important blessing in their parents' lives. They need to be assured of their parents' love and care, despite the separation.

.The children need assurance that they can call any or both of their separated parents when they need to. Parents, for their part, must listen to the kids' sentiments and views without any shade of judgment.

.The children shall be made to understand that their parents' separation was not caused by them; that it was a mutual decision of both their parents.

.The separated parents shall make it a point to spend time with their children, especially at the height of the separation. A tight hug, a kiss, or a mere holding of a hand is reassuring.

.Children shall be allowed to vent out their feelings about their parents' breakup. If they want to cry, parents shall be ready with reassuring words to comfort them. Even feelings of anger and frustration shall be expressed openly and discussed exhaustively.

.It is not good to let the children choose which parent to love more. It shall be made clear to them that they must still show same respect, honestly, and love to both their parents.

.The usual routines shall be maintained as much as possible - e.g. school, pets, household chores, friends, etc. - in order to keep a semblance of normalcy for the kids.

(Reference: www.cyh.com) (FREEMAN)