Safari 101

"Carl, what are you looking at?" I look back at Chinky. Chinky Calderon is one of the Philippines' foremost pediatricians; she lives with her really fun family in Cebu.

"This is a Suzuki, isn't it?" I ask her, in turn. "I remember this jeep. I've been in one before. In the back. Yes. It's the same jeep alright. The most dangerous night I've ever spent in my life!" Oh yes, I remember the Suzuki jeep alright. The other one was white. And I was on safari in Kenya, not in the parking lot outside Starbucks in Ayala Center here in Cebu City.

Not too long ago I was on vacation in Kenya, visiting friends I made when I once lived there. One of them is Steve, a pilot who flies tourists to the great national parks in East Africa. One day he had a spare seat on one of his trips. Do I want to come along? For sure! Dawn. The Ngong Hills behind Nairobi blushed a pastel peach as the sun was rising. We were almost on the equator: within minutes the sun rushed like a blazing rocket into the sky. The Hills were the color of a lion's mane - streaks of tawny gold bronze - that promised a bright, hot day.

The six-seater Piper aircraft headed south to the Maasai Mara, Kenya's largest park. On board with us were Kevin and John, Englishmen working for the Royal Navy. As we circled over the safari lodge where I was to stay for the next two days, I could see the great herds of wildebeest (African buffalo) that darkened the hills in their annual migration from the south. Yes, it really looked like the film "Out of Africa".

Overnight bag dumped in the canvas tent that was my bedroom soon after we landed, I joined Kevin and John on a safari and see if we could find some lions and cheetahs. We climbed into four Volkswagen combis, big white vans with a raised roof from where we could stand and look out. The three of us wanted to avoid the tourists and go for real adventure. So, we needed our own jeep. And there she stood - a small white Suzuki. One of the most magical things in the world to do is to travel across the bush in Africa. The vivid blue sky and the dry heat, the sage green shade under the acacia trees and the fire red stretch of bare earth; savannah sweeping before you with the same savage life that witnessed the first Man opening his eyes and striding out to conquer the world. This is a place of everlasting, unbeaten, ancient but ever-young Time. It challenges your very soul.

Up in the sky, passengers in a hot air balloon gaze down on the mingled herds of wildebeest, zebra and gazelles, anticipating the champagne breakfast they were drifting to, laid out for them on the faraway hill. Then we saw it, in the great circle of space left by the other animals. In the very middle, pacing as though nothing concerned her at all. Cheetah! Smaller than I imagined. So light, so graceful, so delicate she seemed almost fragile. Like a high fashion model sweeping through the herd of ordinary mortals. As the cheetah moves, so the circle of open space moves with her. A hundred meters either side, distance enough for the bulls to shield the calves should she run for prey. As if she cared. But the twitch of her tail betrayed her true motive. TURN TO PAGE B...

Throughout the day, we motored across the savannah, crossing dry riverbeds and stopping once in a while under the shade of acacia trees to escape the increasing heat of the sun. We saw everything, from antelope to zebra. But we did not see any lions. You've seen Disney's "The Lion King"? Well, it was exactly like that…without the lions.

Rule #1 on safari: "Be in the Lodge by sunset. We are not going to look for you if you don't make it back." Where would the Rangers who guard the park begin the search? At night, some animals hunt, so it's just as dangerous. You can't see too well in the dark but the nocturnal lions do. There are also the bandits and poachers.

So, we clambered back into the Suzuki towards dusk, this time with me in the back. We headed back to the Lodge and a cold, cold beer. Just a few minutes later, in the gully between two hills, we unexpectedly found our lion. Not one but two!

They have just taken down an okapi, a large deer, half hidden in the brush, They were both very hungry and very protective of their dinner. The three of us pressed our faces against the tightly closed windows, in awe of the ferocious majesty of real nature.

The sun dropped behind the hill. Quickly we moved on back to the lodge. There was probably just twenty minutes of light left, and we were about half an hour away.

John started the engine. The lionesses looked up at the interruption. Two blood tinged faces. One focused stare showed us that a lion is a fierce animal. A lion, not a Disney character! Up over the hill we drove, fast down the other side, away from the lions and back to the safety of the Lodge. Into the dip between the two hills, through the muddy puddle across the tracks in the bottom of the dip. Then the engine screeched.

"John, switch off the engine!" cried Kevin from the passenger seat. "What happened?" I shouted from the back. "Oh, my God!" Kevin exclaimed, "What have you done?"

We were stuck in the mud! Worse, John let the jeep ride over a ridge between the tracks. We were tilted over to the right at a crazy angle, with the two left tires up in the air. It was not the engine that was screeching - it was the tires!

John put the jeep into reverse and slowly accelerated. The right hand wheels spinned. The jeep began to shake and move back a little. John accelerated some more. The wheels spinned. "Try forward." I say to John. He does. Same result: left tires spinning uselessly in the air, right tires spinning uselessly in the mud.

"Try four-wheel drive." suggested Kevin. "I am", replied John. "So try two wheel-drive, then!", Kevin said again. John and I gave him a look reserved for makulit children. "We have to put something solid under the tires in the mud. Something that can give traction", John suggested. "And what would that be?" I asked. "Twigs, branches, something like that", he replied. Kevin shot back: "You mean go out there? You do know that there are two hungry lionesses just over the hill? Lionesses do the hunting, but the lion is always close by to get the choicest meat. Like us, for example. Are you completely mad?"

"You got us into this mess. You get us out of it by getting out there and bringing back the branches and things." Kevin exclaimed, pointing at a thorn bush about 30 meters way.

"That sounds fair", John said. "Will someone give me a hand?" he asked looking at me. Moment of truth! Should I say yes, and risk becoming dinner, or should I say no, and risk being kicked out of the jeep?

"How about I stand on the roof of the jeep and keep an eye out for lions and things?" I volunteered. "That's a good idea!", cried Kevin. John just gave me a withering look.

I jump quickly unto the roof and looked back to the hill, knowing the lionesses must still be there. John dashed to the thorn bush. Grabbing as much dead branches as he could he rushed back and dumped it into the mud under the tires. All done in less than a minute. We all looked at each other and cheered. John started the engine and accelerated slowly. We could hear the branches grinding under the tires. More acceleration. We began to rock back and and forth. More acceleration. More rocking. Lots of noise and now the smell of burning rubber. No movement. We looked at each other.

In a flash all three of us were out of the jeep, grabbing the branches that have jammed in the mud and putting them back under the tires. "Get back in the car and drive, John. We'll stay out here and push!" shouted Kevin.

Turing our backs to the hill where the lions are, Kevin and I pushed while John accelerates. The tires went over the wood, but the jeep did not move. Kevin climbed into the back to put more weight on the jeep and get traction. The tires bit into the branches and mud. In no time at all, I was spattered from chest to foot with good African mud. "Well, thank you, Kevin! That was fun. What's next?"

Kevin looked down and smiled sweetly, knowing perfectly well what had happened. I went into the back with Kevin and for almost ten minutes the two of us shook, rattled and rolled the jeep from side to side, trying to get it to move. No good. We only manage to bring it deeper into the mud. By then, it was dark. We were stuck out in the savannah, a long way from the Lodge, with those lions just behind us. And no one will come looking for us.

For a few minutes, none of us spoke. The night closed in around us. John thought he saw the glow of headlights from another jeep. Maybe they came looking for us after all! Yeheey!!! But the lights did not move. As the night darkened, the lights brightened. Then we realized that those were the lights of the Lodge. Not so far away. But as close to us as Jupiter. They were having dinner without us! They did not care after all!.

So, to cheer ourselves, we start to tell jokes.

At around 8 o'clock we were all very hungry. We hunted in the jeep for whatever we could eat. Nothing. The chocolate melted in the heat and the bananas got squashed when we crashed into the puddle. I pulled out the orange still in my bag. With great ceremony I peeled it, split it into three equal parts, handing out one each to Kevin and John. "Gentlemen, dinner is served!" One second later, dinner was over. "Did you hear the joke about the lion and the elephant?", John started. "Shut up!" Kevin and I shouted at the same time.

Ten o'clock. Very dark. We were trying to keep quiet and sleep through the night. Twelve o'clock. Even darker. Muscles hurting from the cramped position in the seats. I was still in the back, slipping down into a metal peg sticking out from the floor and the spare tire jammed against my legs. One o'clock dawn. Something hit the side of the jeep. We all jumped in our seats, eyes wide open. "What was that?" gasped Kevin. Something hit the other side of the jeep, next to John. "Oh God! ", he cried. He reached up and before we can stop him, he switched on the headlights. We saw a solid wall of animals. A herd of wildebeest was walking by us. We were in the middle of the great migration, surrounded by thousands of wild animals. The jeep bounced again as another beast banged against its side.

"Kill the lights!" Kevin hissed. "Who knows what will happen if they get nervous." At that precise moment, I heard a snapping sound. The catch on one of the rear windows just popped open. I tried to close it, but for some reason it won't close.

"This is terrible", groaned John. "Now our body scent will escape from the jeep. If those lions are still around and smell us, they'll come to look. And if they are hungry, one swipe of a paw and they will be in here. This happened to some tourists a couple of years ago. They had a window down in the back of their jeep and a young lion got in. Very messy."

I was in the back. The window was just in front of me. I instantly imagined seeing a great paw breaking in and grabbing one of my legs. In the small space in the back, there was no place to move. I was first on the menu.

Two o'clock dawn. Kevin and John were dozing while I was wide awake looking at the window in front of me. Total darkness. Not a sound. The wildebeest had long gone.

Three o'clock dawn. There it was again, a very soft, low sound in the distance. "Did you hear that?" whispered Kevin, so softly I hardly heard him. "Yes, that's the second time," I answered. Then a third time. A low rumble, like a muffled diesel engine. Much closer this time. We were all absolutely still and totally awake. No one said anything, but our eyes said it all. Only one thing makes that sound. Lion. They've found us.

I draw my legs up to my stomach and pulled away from the window as far as I could, moving the spare tire into the space. John and Kevin checked if all the doors were locked. "If they come, start the engine and blow the horn hard", Kevin whispered in John's ear.

Another growl. The cold sweat was running down my face and back. My legs were cramped with tension. A few minutes later a fifth sound, but farther away.

Half an hour went by. We heard no more sounds.

"Hey, do you remember that scene in Jurassic Park, where there's that guy in a jeep..." John began a quip. "SHUT UP!" Kevin and I screamed in unison. Kevin wrapped his big sailor's hands around John's throat. "One more word from you, my boy, and..." "OK, OK" John gagged. "I was just joking". "Nowhere close to funny, sunshine," snarled Kevin.

Seven o'clock in the morning. The sky was beginning to lighten to a pastel turquoise. The sun's blazing disc was not far behind. There, still stuck at an angle in the mud, windows hazy from our breaths, with three red-eyed, exhausted faces staring through, was one sorry Suzuki jeep.

Eight o'clock. "Guys, I have been in here for hours. I have to stretch my legs. I'm going out," I said out loud, not caring for a reply. No answer. I opened the back door and let my legs drop out and touch the ground. In an instant they were on fire, numbed nerves waking up. The air was fresh, moist from the dew that settled in the night.

Safari tours start at 8:30. Hand held up to shield my eyes, I scanned the horizon for the first signs of a jeep heading our way. Nothing.

All of a sudden, I saw a flight of light. "I see a Landrover in the distance!" I shouted. John jumped up to the roof of the jeep with me, waving his hands in the air. "Hey, over here! We're over here! John, blow the horn!". John jumped back into the driver's seat and started blowing the horn, and flashing the lights for good measure. The Landrover disappeared over a hill.

I see the Landrover again, driving over another hill way over to the left. Like shipwrecked sailors we shouted, jumped, waved shirts and blew the horn to get attention. They ignored us completely. We sat by the jeep in total desperation. We could be here for hours. In this hot sun, with no food, no water. We were in a bad shape.

Just then, with a big throaty roar, the Landrover burst over the hill just in front of us. The driver and guide got down from the much larger jeep and went over to see why we were out of our jeep and obviously out of our minds.

By now, the tourists in the Landrover were leaning out of the windows to see what all the commotion was about.

"We are stuck here in the mud. Please tow us out so we can go back to the Lodge." John explained to the driver.

"Oh. So you are the guys who didn't come in last night, huh? We were wondering where you were when you didn't show up at dinner. You know you shouldn't be out here after dark? There are bandits and poachers and animals out here."

"And lions." I replied. The driver looked at me as though I had escaped from somewhere. "OK. Let's get you out of here, then," he said with a take-over air.

By now the tourists were getting out of the Landrover. The guide turned to them, aghast with fear. "Ladies, gentlemen, please, you must get back into the jeep. It is dangerous! It is not permitted you get out of the jeep."

No one listened to him. After all, there were these three guys walking around without any care. A middle-aged woman in big green bermuda shorts and an orange T-shirt approached. "Hi! Did I hear right? You all were out here last night?" she asked in a strong American accent. "With the lions and everything?" "Yes ma'am, we were." I replied, pulling myself up straight in my mud dried jeans and shirt, hair a mess and eyes rimmed with exhaustion.

"Hey, Harry!" she cried as she looks back over her shoulder to a grey haired, stocky man. "Get over here - these guys were out here all night! Take a foto!"

In my album somewhere, there is a foto of a tipped over jeep, three scarecrows and a fat lady from Texas.

Within two minutes, the Suzuki was pulled out of the hole we had dug and we were on our way. Only fifteen (fifteen!) minutes later and we were driving through the gates of the Lodge. Everyone stared at us as we got down from the Suzuki and wandered off to our tents.

"Were you the guys that … ?!"

"Yes."

"You mean you were out there... ?"

"Yes. Please, I'm kind of dirty. Can you tell me where the shower is?" No answer - the receptionist's mouth was wide open, her eyes popping in surprise. That we survived, I suppose. Later on in the morning, a new batch of tourists arrived. All bright with excitement, two teenagers from the Netherlands came up to me at the Reception area, where I was stretched out comfortably in a hammock. "Excuse me, sir, but can you tell us where we can hire a small jeep? We don't want to go with the other tourists. That's boring. We want to look for lions on our own." Oh yes, I remember that Suzuki all right!