What is a father?

What is a father? That’s a more complicated question than it first appears.

To sire a child doesn’t make a man into a father. There’s an unfortunate legion of sons and daughters that can attest to that – the abandoned, the abused, the unacknowledged. The birth of a child opens the door to a new reality, but not everyone steps through it. Some stand but at the threshold. Others turn and walk away.

I have seen how my husband became a better man as he crossed the threshold of fatherhood. The first time he cradled our daughter in his arms was also the first time I saw a look in his eyes that was brimming with pride, and bursting with more joy and love than his heart can hold. He wanted to be more and do more. He wanted to make a positive change so that he can pass on something worthy and enduring to our daughter. But this challenge he placed upon himself as a father is just one of many. 

Fatherhood is not easy, and it doesn’t get any easier. It is never an easy thing to devote yourself so completely to someone else, to be responsible for their growth and well-being, to open yourself to sharing in their dreams and heartbreaks, their joys and sufferings. By the time we reach adulthood, most of us have learned how to defend ourselves from disappointment and deceit, an education that in most cases has been hard won. But as our children navigate life’s ups and downs themselves, their vulnerability becomes our own. We are not asked to wear our hearts on our sleeves – our children take our hearts from behind our carefully built walls, and brandish them proudly wherever they go. When they laugh, so do we. When they bleed, the same holds true for us.

Fatherhood is tough, and so are fathers. That hasn’t changed as the years go by. But much of the rest of the world has moved forward, and so too must fatherhood.

What is a father? A father is a man who evolves.

Gone are the days when the division of parental roles by sex was unquestioned and unquestionable. While there are many who still hold on to old-fashioned ideas about fatherhood, social norms have steadily progressed. The world which birthed the archetype of the father as sole breadwinner, the distant and final authority figure and undisputed head of the family, is a world that is very different from one in which the equality of the sexes and orientations is – at least as a moral principle – taken as truth.

In the modern world, there is room for a multitude of different types of fathers. Fathers who are the primary breadwinners and fathers that are the primary caregivers. Fathers who are affectionate and free with their emotions, as well as fathers that express themselves in non-verbal ways. Fathers that play sports and fathers that knit clothes, fathers that cook and fathers that drive. There are many different ways to be a good father, as long as at the heart of one’s actions lies a genuine desire to care for one’s family.

But caring for a family means being aware of their needs and responsive to them. This includes not just the needs of the children, but also of one’s partner (though not all fathers are fortunate enough to have one). During the lockdown, many fathers have come face-to-face with the enormity of the burden being shouldered by mothers on a daily basis – the emotional and mental labor that comes from running a household and attending to the needs of young children. A father who truly wishes to care for his family must be an equal partner, not letting traditional and patriarchal divisions of labor get in the way of giving his wife the support she needs. There is no “men’s work” and no “women’s work” – just joint responsibilities to be accomplished.

Does this sound idealistic? It should – because striving for something better is part and parcel of being a parent. The world looks different when we realize it’s the same world our children will live in.

What is a father? A father not only wants to give his children the world – he wants to give them a better world.

And it’s important for parents to remember that what our children define as “better” or “worse” – their sense of what things can be and should be – will first be formed by us. What our children first think is moral, what our children first think is good, these will be determined by their parents.

But what our children first think of men, will be determined by their fathers.

This is one role of fathers that I believe is irreducible and non-transferable. And it is a role that carries with it heavy responsibilities, whether the child is a boy or a girl. Because much as we may wish it were otherwise, birth sex still has a big effect on how someone is treated out in the world.

What is a father? A father is one who asks what he wants his children to become…

A woman who is not beholden to standards of beauty and worth set by men?

A man who understands that the responsibility for rape lies solely with the rapist?

A woman who is comfortable with the idea that one does not have to be born female to identify as a woman?

A man who knows that true toughness is expressed not in the number of fights you’ve won, but the number of times you’ve stood steadfast in your beliefs?

A father is someone who imagines how he wants his children to grow, and makes of himself a solid foundation for their future ideals.

What is a father? A father is just a man.

But for his children, he is the first man, the primordial man, and the kind of man that he shows himself to be will remain with them for the rest of their lives.

That is what my father has been to me – my rock, my hero, the calm and strong force that guides me, but always, always, he is kindness and love.

This June we celebrate fathers – those who crossed over the threshold, those who stuck around, those who are present to their families through their effort and care.

To the fathers, we honor you and we give you our gratitude and love.