Ending the cycle of blame

In the 2020 Oscar-nominated best picture Marriage Story, Nora Fanshaw, a divorce lawyer, was talking to Nicole, her client who was going through a divorce, cautioning her that a judge will not be forgiving of her faults. Nora said that society accepts fathers even when they are absent, selfish or unreliable. We accept their fallibilities, but when it is the mother who is not there for her children, when she drinks too much or prioritizes her wants, she is rebuked. Nora then hit the nail on the head when she said that women “will always be held to a different, higher standard. And it’s f*cked up but that is the way it is.”

This higher standard is not just for women as mothers, or women as wives, but women as women. We experience this double standard all too often in sexual assault and rape cases. When there is a sexual element to a criminal complaint, the woman herself is on trial: what was she wearing, what is her reputation, is she acquainted with the offender, did she lead him on, why didn’t she scream?

Was she asking for it?

Truly, I can think of no more reprehensible a question.

As if a woman’s consent can be assumed by anything other than her actual consent.

As if a woman can desire her own degradation.

As if a woman must be responsible for a criminal’s weakness or depravity.

Yet time and time again, societies around the world continue to place the blame for abuse, rape, and even murder at the feet of the women they leave violated, battered, traumatized, and dead.

Even while the #MeToo movement has gained traction abroad, here in the Philippines it was stuck in a rut of chauvinistic ignorance. Many of those who came out to expose the sexual violence they experienced gained criticism, blame and shame instead of support.

In 2018 when several Miss Earth candidates revealed their experiences of sexual harassment many were not sympathetic. Comments in social media called the victims attention-seekers, drama queens and retorted that they should have known that harassment is a norm in beauty pageants.

The misogynistic virus of victim-blaming is so widespread that it has infected our friends, family, media personalities – all of us. You might even have caught yourself thinking…She should not have walked in a dark street alone…She should have not gone out on a date with a stranger…She should not have gone drinking with men she had just met. How about, the man should have not raped the woman. Period. 

And there are those who will still find it natural to wonder: did she ask for it?

Victim-blaming is a practice that embodies the worst of human society. It is the distilled essence of kicking someone when they are down, of scapegoating the marginalized in an effort to separate “us” from “them.” The thought that anyone can be raped – that it could happen to someone you know and it could happen to you is a terrifying thought. The path of least resistance is to say instead that rape is something that only happens to “that” kind of person, “that” kind of woman – not to me and those like me. To assuage one’s fear, we tell ourselves that it can only happen to those who in someway “ask for it.”

Society judges women victims in order to protect itself, and many women in turn internalize these judgments, and it is tragically common for victims to also blame themselves.

Last week, I wrote about the disturbing fact that according to a 2013 government survey, a horrifying 14 percent of Filipino married women believed that a husband is justified in beating his wife in at least one of the following circumstances: if she burns the food, if she argues with him, if she goes out without telling him, if she neglects the children, and if she refuses to have sexual intercourse with him.

The internalization of blame, of deserving the abuse that occurred, makes a victim unwilling to report the crime to the authorities, and that delay makes society in turn doubt if they were even victims at all, which feeds back into their shame even if studies have shown no link between how quickly someone reports an assault and how genuine this allegation is.

With this castigatory attitude against victims of sexual violence it is expected that women would be reluctant to report incidents of physical or sexual violence. A nationwide survey conducted by the Philippine Statistics Authority revealed that one out of five women aged 15-49 has experienced physical violence and one out of 16 women aged 15-49 have experienced sexual violence. However, only 30 percent of these women ever sought help; the rest never sought help and some never even told anyone about it. Although there is no available data to show it, it is expected that out of those who sought help much fewer have actually filed charges.

It is true, women are always held to a higher standard. Society dictates that women must act prudently, dress modestly, and avoid perilous situations that may compromise their safety. It’s a woman’s responsibility to make sure she does not get raped or harassed and if she does get raped, people say it’s her fault…She should have known not to wear a short skirt, not to flirt, or not have gotten drunk. Society makes up excuses for the rapist because that’s just how men are – we can’t expect them to control their urges.

Haven’t we had enough of this poisonous narrative? It is definitely messed-up, but we should not just sigh, shrug our shoulders and accept it. Never! The double standard will continue only as long as we let it.

We must put an end to it by calling out and educating people who have been indoctrinated that it is the responsibility of women to keep themselves safe from violence instead of society condemning violence against women in all its forms.

We must educate young and old, men and women, boys and girls that it is never the victim’s fault.

It is a vicious cycle of abuse, from the criminal, from society, from within the minds of the victims themselves.

And it must stop.

Stop blaming victims.

Stop blaming women.

Stop blaming ourselves.