When Planning to Move Elderly Parents In

CEBU, Philippines — At some point, you may decide to have elderly parents or other old relatives live with you. This arrangement, which is quite prevalent among Filipinos, can have many positives. If the elderly parents or other loved ones is still relatively healthy, they may be able to babysit little grandkids or help around the house; contribute to the family income with their pensions, if any; and get to know your children in a way that would never be possible with only occasional visits.

On the other hand, this arrangement may not go smoothly with everyone. Living with elderly people could be problematic in terms of time, stress, fatigue, and strained relations. Mard Naman, at the website www.caring.com, suggests 10 points to consider when planning to move elderly people in:

1. What kind of care will they need?

Think whether the person has physical or mental condition or chronic illness. If so, consider the kind of caring required and who in the house can primarily assure the responsibility. Also figure out what effect would an irritable – and at times irrational – old person have on the kids.

If the elderly are still healthy and can very well take care of themselves, perhaps they are better off on their own, in their own home. For sure they love the freedom in not having to watch their every action in order to be a good example to the grandkids. As most families overdo on attention they give to old loved ones, the elderly themselves may find it rather stifling.

Even if aging family members are just slowing down, with no specific illness such as Alzheimer’s or cancer to deal with, you may take them in. But you may need to anticipate their future conditions in, say, the next two years – and the availability to provide for their needs.

2. How much assistance and supervision can you provide?

Caring for an aging relative is a great way to give back some of the love, care, and nurturing he gave to you. And caring for old parents is a great way to provide a model for your children that shows them what caring and commitment are about. It prepares the young ones for the time when you yourself may need care from them and eventually when they may need care from their own children.

It’s also good for children to learn how to nurture and to assist in the elderly’s care. In a home where both spouses are working and the kids are still going to school, it may help to consider if a younger relative can move in, too, to look after the needs of the old ones.

3. How well do you get along?

It may be important to look at the history of your relationship with your ageing family member. If you enjoy each other’s company and can successfully resolve your differences, that’s a real plus. But conflicts are common in the family, and if both of you can get over it quickly or simply agree to disagree, then you’ve already done much of the groundwork.

If the two of you have never really gotten along, don’t expect the relationship to change magically now. When he visits you, if you’re grinding your teeth after an hour and feel like running out the door, then having him move in may not be a good idea.

Also, certain ailments, like Alzheimer’s and other forms of dementia, can change one’s personality. This change can be for better or for worse. The two of you may have always had a good relationship, but dementia can make him angry or paranoid in ways you’ve never seen before. On the other hand, a difficult person could become very sweet.

4. Is your home older-adult-friendly, and if not, can you make it so?

Ideally, an older adult is best placed on the first floor so he doesn’t have to climb stairs. If that’s impossible, and he can’t handle stairs, it can be problematic. Another thing, you may have to make ramps for wheelchair-bound elderly to access certain areas of the house on their own.

The kids may have to give up their room to give space for the elderly. Or the living room may have to be converted into a bedroom. Major house renovations may have to be done.

5. Will you financially shoulder everything?

There is a possibility that the home that welcomes elderly loved ones will have to take care of everything. But if it’s a burden too heavy for one shoulder to bear, there may be help available here and there. The elderly may have pensions or there may be government subsidies for people their age.

Also, include siblings in the money talks. Especially when the elderly are parents, the other children shall help out as well, even if only to cover expenses. If the elderly have properties, the siblings may agree to use these for the elderly’s present and future needs, like hiring a caregiver and hospitalization.

6. How do your spouse and children feel about the move-in?

This may be a great opportunity for your children to form close ties with their grandparent or other family member. Some children barely know their grandparents, especially if they live far away. But then, they need to know beforehand and their feedback considered.

When you take in you old parents, you need to consult your spouse. Rift between in-laws can ensue when they live together, especially when they’ve never been the best of friends, in the first place. An old person who’s in decent health may not require a lot of attention. But if he needs a lot of help and supervision, you and your spouse will get a lot less private time together and your social lives may be put on hold.

7. Will your family member be able to live by the rules of your house?

When old loved ones move into your home, it creates a sea of change in your relationship. You’re now the primary caretaker and decision-maker, not your older relative. It’s an opportunity for your entire family to reassess current rules, decide which ones work, and make new ones where necessary. If everyone is willing to adapt and compromise, you can create household rules that work for the entire family and give your elderly loved ones a chance to adjust gracefully to his new dependent role.

8. Is your family ready for the lifestyle changes involved?

Think about meals, noise levels in the house, what’s on the stereo. Will everyone’s preferences and styles be compatible?

This may be an opportunity to try some new foods that everyone can enjoy. If the elderly needs to eat bland food and your family likes spicy food, you can put the extra salt and spices on the table to add individually to plates. If you have a teenager who’s used to making noise and playing loud music but Grandpa needs quiet at night, perhaps your teen can adjust by using headphones after a certain hour.

9. Do you have the time to take this on?

If you’re working full time, seriously consider the time it takes to have a dependent old person at home. Aside from personal care, there are many logistics to take care of. An independent older adult can make his own arrangements, otherwise the burden of making phone calls for services and medical appointments will fall on you.

10. Will your old loved ones have a social network available?

If they’re moving a long distance to live with you, they’re leaving behind their social network and friends. They’re going to look to you for their socialization. How are you going to either integrate them into your life or help them create a new life for themselves?

If you and your spouse are at work and the kids are at school, it could mean a lot of time alone for your elderly parents. They may just sit around and watch TV all day. And that, for sure, is not the kind of life you want your elderly loved ones to have.