My crystal ball into 2019

It has become a duty. I have been doing this for years now. I must not take the easy way out and stop. No. That would be a big betrayal, or dereliction of duty.

Yes, I have been given the gift of seeing the future. I must share what I see no matter how disturbing it is. I owe it to mankind so people can prepare.

How did I discover this gift, you may ask? I once looked at the day and date on a calendar. I noticed I could predict with 100 percent accuracy what the next day and date would be in the next 24 hours.

I have been given this mission. I have also been given sedatives by a doctor. He diagnosed me once and said I was a psychic. Or was it psycho? I can’t remember now. Who cares. I also believe in mood rings. And between a choice of two things, I decide by doing the “Eenie-meenie-minie-mo” test. I am an avid believer that man has not landed on the moon yet. I also belong to the Flat Earth Society.

There. I have given full disclosure. Believe at your own risk. I will be specific and tell you what lies ahead. If I turn out to be accurate, please send me money. If not, please send some anyway so I can improve my skills. Here are my predictions for 2019.

1) First of all, you can be sure there will be a 2019.

2) Persida Acosta and Noli De Castro will build medical centers specializing in dengue cases. They will make their own anti dengue vaccine which will be immediately exposed as being exactly the same as the Dengvaxia vaccine which they condemned.

3) Panelo will write a very serious 24-page foreword to a book which Duterte will publish in 2019. It will be a joke book.

4) On June 12, 2019, we will see Filipino troops marching differently during the Independence Day parade. Upon passing the Luneta Grandstand, they will seamlessly switch to a precision lava walk ending in a slo-mo “Catriona” turn.

5) Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo will become the finance chief. All other departments will also report directly to her. The military will also be under her command. We will see her every day in the news. Duterte, though, will still remain President of Philippines, while GMA will carry the title of Supreme Leader next only to Xi Jin Pooh.

6) Some good news. Fewer Philippine provinces will be hit by typhoons and weather disturbances. The bad news: it is because many of them will already be owned by China. 

7) The Mars Exploration Rover (MER) will encounter a structure on Mars that will shake the scientific world and cause a stir everywhere. It will be in the news for the next few months. It will be very controversial.

The MER will send a photo to Earth of its mind-blowing discovery, which will turn out to be a very large Bong Go billboard.

8) The DDS will be up in arms about the Chinese Calendar. They will insist that 2019 is not the year of the Pig. To them it will be the year of the Dragon, or Monkey, or Rabbit. They will settle for any animal except the Pig. Why? It is not so much because the Year of the Pig will be bringing fortune and good luck, but because the luckiest color of the year will be YELLOW.

The DDS will bring this all the way to the Supreme Court. Not surprisingly, they will win! The Supreme Court will decide that 2019 shall be deemed the year of the Hippopotamus!

9) All Jollibee mascots will be banned from public view for fear that the food company will be charged with subversion. But newly ordered life-sized “Tickle Me Pulong” dolls and Bong Go “Man in a Barrel” wood statues from Baguio will flood the market.

10)  A group of religious fanatics will again proclaim a date in 2019 as the end of the world. As in previous years, they will also disappear from the face of the Earth not later than the first day of 2020.

11) After decades of silence, Beelzebub will vehemently deny he ever said that he “has a devil set aside for me” or for anyone else.

12) The plot against the Philippines government dubbed by PNP and the military as “Red October” which was moved to December 2018, will be rescheduled again for sometime in 2019. But it will again be postponed indefinitely.

13) Samsung and Apple will come out with new phones that can pass on the smell of the user via WiFi and 5G. As a result, the sale of deodorants, perfumes, mouthwash will pick up dramatically. Use of phones inside toilets will stop.

14) To stop bullying in schools, the DOH will be taking decisive action. It will require all parents to give their children Cherifer (a medical supplement that promotes height) so that most if not all children will grow tall and confident.

15) The earth will continue to turn. All living people will consume water, yawn a few times, produce waste and breathe, swallow, blink. And everyone will definitely age. 

There. The kittens are out of the bag.

I am sure you are wondering why I did not include the 2019 elections, the health of the President, federalism, the state of what the nation will be in 2019. I am sorry. I do not waste my clairvoyance on matters that are trivial and inconsequential. That is for amateurs.

Before another vision of the future comes to me, I wish to greet you all a Happy New Year everyone!

Wait. More visions are coming in but my editor says they can’t hold the presses…