The danger we don’t see

“Let this sentence strike fear into anyone who thinks it is okay to hurt another person. Abusers, your time is up.” – Aly Raisman, six-time Olympic medalist gymnast

It is life’s greatest challenge to be a parent, a lifetime commitment that you want to have control of, but can’t. Almost every parent I know has spent nights just staring at their newborn, making sure that they’re still breathing. And how many thousands of lost hours of sleep does one put in as a parent, caring for a sick child or doing work displaced by irreplaceable time with their child? It is a superhuman challenge that, much as we are loathe to admit, we secretly wish we had help with, or relief from.

We often get that in two ways: when our child goes to school, and when they get into sports. Particularly when a kid starts grade school, there is a structured time when a mother or father – particularly a single parent – can turn away from the nitty-gritty and focus on the big-picture task of building a future. And if the child becomes an athlete, it’s a bonus. He or she is under someone else’s supervision for an extra three hours, and comes home tired, sleeps well, and is healthier than most of their age group.

Of course, there are risks. Some teachers may not be as committed to your child’s growth or safety as you are. Some still use archaic physical punishment. Some cannot control rowdier students, or bullies. That is a hazard to your child. But there are also greater hazards we wish did not exist, sexual predators who may look at our innocent children as forbidden fruit to be recklessly, secretly, sampled.

Over the past few months, the American entertainment has been rocked by sexual misconduct scandals that were kept secret by a conspiracy of silence, from Harvey Weinstein to A-list actors. But in the last two weeks, one foreign and one local case in sports have driven the point home that our bailiwick is not as wholesome as we would like to think.

Larry Nassar, the long-time head doctor of USA Gymnastics and Michigan State University athletics, was sentenced this week to up to 175 years in prison for sexually assaulting dozens of young athletes over 18 years. Many said he even did it in the presence or in the same room as their unsuspecting parents. Most of the abused were gymnasts. Some came from other sports: dancers, runners, rowers; softball, soccer and volleyball players; even a swimmer and a figure skater. Two won Olympic gymnastic overall gold medals, the rest adding 16 other Olympic medals. All were little girls, but not anymore. As the father of a little girl who will definitely be an athlete like her older brothers, this made me sick to my stomach.

Another case in northern Philippines has at least three former juvenile basketball players accusing their former coach of performing inappropriate sexual acts on them when they were his players. No legal cases have been filed, but it is certain that there would be similar situations in other parts of the country as yet unspoken about.

The impact on a child who is forced into these distasteful situations is devastating. The victim feels ashamed, afraid, alone, and at fault. They don’t know who to turn to, for fear of being blamed, especially if the family needs the athletic scholarship.

How to defend our children from these unwanted advances?

First, tell your child what is appropriate and what is not. Some schools teach that a handshake is proper, others allow brief hugs between children and teachers. Teach your child to say no if they feel uncomfortable.

Second, watch for any change in behavior. If your child becomes sullen or withdrawn, or starts lashing out, something is wrong. That is not normal behavior. Coax the details out of them, as they may have trouble explaining how they feel.

Third, don’t ignore or invalidate their feelings. There are many ways your child could feel unsafe and be crying out for help. Listen and assure them their feelings are valid and important.

Fourth, show up and show support. Your presence is your child’s greatest protection, and the biggest deterrent to any abuse. I watched all my sons’ games in high school, and many practices. I noticed that there were times the coach would not let players drink water as punishment, and I spoke out against the dangers of doing this.

Lastly, let your child find their passion. Their sport is their dream, not an extension of yours. Be there. Be vigilant. They will not be innocent forever, we know that. But they should face life on the right terms, too. And child sexual abuse is indefensibly wrong, under any circumstance.