The top 10 causes of marriage break-ups

Every time I am asked to stand as a wedding sponsor, I am always asked to deliver a speech during the wedding dinner or lunch on how couples can manage to stay together stronger over the years. Well, I have been married for 43 years, having tied the knot in 1978. I am an active member of the Ateneo-based marriage encounter community of couples who were molded and developed in the Ignatian way of marriage of simplicity, spirituality, stewardship, and service. Perhaps, I am qualified to write this piece for young couples and those who are intending yet to get hitched.

This time, I will do the opposite and share my insights on the whys and wherefores of marriage breakups. Based on research from multiple sources, and also in the light of my readings of the jurisprudence on legal separations and annulment of marriages, I have identified the top 10 causes of broken marriages. First is immaturity of either or both of the spouses. Most brides and grooms usually believe that it is all days of wine and roses. They plunge into marriage without adequate maturity and psychological, emotional and mental preparedness. They do not assess the burdens they need to carry and the responsibilities they have to bear. Some are spoiled brats who were too much sheltered by incompetent parents are always the first ones to surrender and seek annulment.

Second, clashes of personalities also lead to break-ups. My late father was the youngest and my late mother was the eldest. They did not have a clash because Mama called the shots and Papa merely obeyed. But two strong personalities often end up competing with and inflicting hurt on each other. Third, money issues are a very strong divisive factor. If there is not enough, the couples may bicker on both the supply and the demand side of the equation; putting much tension in the relationship until debts do them part. If there is much, it may also lead to unabated splurges and extravagance and even profligacy. Fourth, interference by in-laws, most notoriously the mothers-in-law, often called the monsters-in-law. I need not elaborate. Fifth, domestic abuse and violence against spouses, be they physical, emotional or psychological.

Sixth, Infidelity of one or both, most of the times leading to adultery or concubinage or both. When there is a third person, man or woman, the relationship is no longer viable. Three is a crowd, and so one must go. Seventh is alcoholism, addiction, gambling, or other forms of destructive habits. Eighth is labor migration or working abroad. The phenomenon of Philippine migration has caused tremendous damage to marriages and families. The spouse working abroad often finds a partner among fellow OFWs or even foreigners. The spouse left behind also finds warmth in the bosom of a willing partner whether man or woman. I know whereof I speak. I worked as a labor attaché in three countries for nine years. And I saw how marriages are destroyed by labor migration.

Ninth is the late discovery of long-hidden skeletons in the closets of one spouse. The other feels betrayed and this drives a wedge between them, substituting love with disappointment, resentment, anger, and spite. Tenth is just drifting away from each other, losing that spark of a loving feeling. They have not bonded together as they have not been open to each other all those past years. Well, they have the grandest wedding of the century, but love and marriage can die a natural death. And when it dies, one just need to bury it and move on. Walang forever.