The five sports fans you meet in hell

ABOUT A BRO - Ralph Mendoza (The Philippine Star) - July 26, 2013 - 12:00am

Sometimes it’s hard to know what a bad sports fan is because — let’s face it — the more you look like Jack Nicholson in The Shining out there in the bleachers, the more of a distraction you become when an enemy player does his thing. Hundreds of free throws misfire every season due to evil clown makeup fans such as ourselves have put on either on purpose or not. The fury of 500 foam fingers continues to do its share of damage as well.

But when you think about it, bad sports fandom here is more subdued. It’s more in the nuances of what people do than about streaking across the court naked, or offering games to Satan. We’re not in America. We’re not crazy enough to burn someone’s Honda Jazz outside Araneta after a loss. But the faking, flaking, and freaking out are still very much felt and displayed in other ways, as bros and girls of all ages foster the same misguided appreciation for the sport of basketball. Which one of these following archetypes are you?


The bored patron

Titos and kids alike are guilty parties. These people purchase patron tickets only to end up doing a combination of staring, checking account balance on their phones, and over-stroking their chin more than actually cheering for their team — if they even have one, to begin with. It seems like patron tickets are bought only for the sake of having patron tickets more than anything else. Call me hate-ron but patron tickets should really go to fans who truly and thoroughly enjoy the games. But if you’re Ben Tulfo, then you have my absolute permission to be the most stoic patron ever. Some old dudes are just untouchable.


The bicepnotized

Hypnotized by the bicep, in other words. Now I understand the need for sports fans to worship an athlete’s biceps, triceps, abs, calves, Adam’s apple, armpit hair, or whatever — and I won’t even judge you if the body was your gateway drug to the addictive world of college basketball — but there really is such a thing as an overdose. It’s when the physique of an athlete overtakes talent and — okay, I sound embittered and must move on.


The fair-weather fan

When Ateneo used to do this thing called winning, you’d see all these celebrities lined up for courtside seats. Now that the school has more losses than wins, crickets and the drummer of Side A seem to have taken their place. Nobody’s a fan when you’re down anymore. Case in point: fans who leave the game when their team is losing by 18 in the fourth quarter. The game may be over, but what’s really over is your so-called fandom.


The silver-spooned elitist

He’s not just the guy who slightly jabs at you for not knowing the technicalities of the game enough, he also thinks just because their school is more privileged (and the original team in that color), they’re smarter than the fans of a similarly colored team. It just doesn’t make sense, dude. Beware.


The over-analyst

P.P.G.? T.O. per min ratio? He’s more of a stretch four than a four? Unless you’re a basketball geek like I am, I’ve learned that no one really wants to hear you say more acronyms than actual words. Nothing alienates you from humans faster than speaking in court code. Stats aside, you just generally do not want to be over-anything out there. Imagine if your game date were just as overly-excited and overly-dramatic as Lea Salonga in The Voice: Philippines. I wouldn’t blame you if you jumped from Upper A to Upper B just to avoid those vibes.

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