Letters to God

People are incredulous when I murmur that I appreciate silence. I get it, because I am an over-zealous actor in the business of talk that has given me a career that, in turn, has afforded me a great life. So I don’t take offense when people call me a blabbermouth. And I work hard to be a sensible motor mouth. I’m not always successful but I try. But really, I look forward to quiet moments because it is when I write God letters.

It doesn’t have to be morning or evening. It can be Saturday afternoons or Sunday evenings after The Buzz. Silence is all I need. For somebody like me who doesn’t stop talking, it’s fun. Silence to me is music. It is a sound that moves my spirit. Silence connects me to the divine.

My letters are gratitude notes. They have a structure: An intro (which I call the preamble), the body of the letter and an end where I make my final case.

I usually write 10 things that I am grateful for. Most of these have not happened yet. If I’m going through twisted times, I say “thank you for untangling these mind-boggling knots.” They’re thank you letters for advanced blessings.

I don’t know if it’s conditioning my mind that for as long as I put my faith in God, nothing is impossible. That all I need is to believe.

It’s both amazing and fascinating when I review letters that I’ve written in the past.

I keep some of my letters in a small “trunk” while I burn others. It’s a symbolic offering. It is sort of saying that the contents of the letters are just between Him and me. It’s very personal. Nobody taught me this. I must have been a Babaylan in my previous life. I love the smoke that goes up into the great vastness when I burn my letters to God!

When I go back to some of the letters I kept, I’m awed by God’s grace and kindness as the things I have been grateful for happened not necessarily during the time I expected them to happen but in His perfect time.

Some of my friends say, “It’s your programming. It’s your way of convincing yourself that they will happen. It is an articulation of your powerful relationship with your God. Or it is your way of motivating yourself.” Whatever it is, it works because it builds an unwavering relationship between me and my God.

There are times when I ask, “Bakit ako na lang ang laging humihingi at lahat ay ibinibigay Niya? Why do I ask God for so many things?”

There was one letter where I wrote, “Teach me Lord how to write letters correctly.” Perhaps in the future, I should just say “bless me, forgive me and thank you. Lord, tell me what I can do for you.”

If I have the audacity to ask God for infinite blessings, then I should have the same audacity to ask Him what I can do for Him.

My letters are about gratitude, asking for forgiveness, blessings and surrendering. So much like the prayers that I say before doing a show: “Give me the words. I did my homework. I spent countless hours doing research and preparing but now as I open the show, my God, give me the words.”