Coping with ma’s cancer, John Lloyd shares own journey

CEBU, Philippines - Cancer patients need a strong support system to help them cope, but what’s often forgotten is that their loved ones also have a lot of coping to do.

In a Breast Cancer forum held at St. Theresa’s College’s Little Theater organized by the institution’s 1978 high school batch, speakers led by Dr. Frances de la Serna discussed the importance of breast self-awareness and how a family member can deal with the scary situation and properly support a cancer patient.

Actor John Lloyd Cruz, one of the forum speakers, shared to the public for the first time, his personal struggles when his mother, Aida, was diagnosed with the Big C six years ago.

He said he was normally hesitant to reveal such private family matters, but since the request was coursed through a good friend and director of his biggest movies, Olive Lamasan (a breast cancer survivor herself), he found it hard to refuse.

“It was no secret that my family went through a very difficult time. It came to all of us as a shock,” began Cruz, who was 24 when the health scare hit his family.

“I think we’d all agree that cancer is something we never think would happen to us or any member of our family. And it’s safe to say no one is ever prepared and equipped to deal with it.” Anger was his knee-jerk emotion when his mom broke the news, Cruz said. His mom was an active church member and “had not done anything wrong.”

“She did not deserve that cancer,” he said.

He would be careful not to display his emotions in front of the family, choosing instead to vent to his manager and girlfriend. The youngest of three boys, he said this stemmed from the fact that they were not raised by their parents to verbalize their emotions and be “showy.”

“I grew up in a family where we didn’t talk about our struggles and problems. It was hard for us to communicate. But those were one of the things that changed because of our mom’s cancer.”

“Slowly, I realized I had to move past my anger and find a way to help her deal with it the best way I could. I had to shower her with as much time and love.”

While he realized the urgency of spending as much time with his mom as possible, Cruz said he was in no position back then to bargain with his schedule.

He recalled, “There was very little I could do. Making movies and soaps is very demanding. You can’t delay the shoot because production needs to air something. The show had to go on.”

He doesn’t resent the rigors that come with his job as an in-demand actor and sought-after endorser though, because his income allowed the family to pay for the hefty medical bills.

“There was a time nga na nagalit ako sa kanya because there was a treatment she could have availed but she didn’t tell me dahil masyado daw mahal,” he shared. “Sabi ko. ‘Mommy, kung anu-ano binibili natin. Bumili tayo ng bahay. Hindi ba tayo dapat gumastos kung kailangan mo? May bahay nga ako, wala naman akong nanay.’ Eventually, napapayag ko.”

The first two years of treatment were the most difficult, he said. She is doing much better now and is no longer undergoing chemotherapy by choice. “We don’t think her body can handle it anymore.”

John Lloyd revealed that what was most difficult for him as a son was seeing his mom’s “womanhood” taken away because of her decision to undergo double mastectomy.

“It was super random when she told me. Nagkasalubong lang kami sa stairs. Mom ko wala rin kasing diskarte eh (laughs). Umupo siya doon sa steps tapos sabi niya, ‘O anak, papa-opera na ako. Wala eh, ganun talaga. Nandiyan na yan eh. Tatanggalin na ‘to. Hayaan mo na.’ And then she started crying.”

He added, “She was coming from the fact that both her breasts will be removed, and these partly symbolized her womanhood. For the first time, I was at a loss for words. Ganoon pala yun. When a woman, especially your mom, tells you her womanhood will be taken away, I didn’t know how to react.”

Hearing about Hollywood star Angelina Jolie’s widely-reported preventive double mastectomy made his 61-year-old mom feel better, according to John Lloyd, as it reinforced the fact that she was not alone in the struggle.

John Lloyd gives a lot of credit to his father Luisito for taking good care of his mom. “It was most tough on him, and it showed his true character.”

Pointing out the silver lining in the family’s cancer setback, John Lloyd said, “It’s when one is vulnerable that you discover how strong you are. Now, we are stronger and happier as a family. I’m more outspoken with my mom. Prior to my brothers working abroad, it was alien for us to ask each other how we were. Hindi kami nagkukumustahan. When my mom’s cancer happened, madali lang pala.”

Cancer coping mechanisms, according to John Lloyd Cruz:

1. For me back then, the word cancer was almost synonymous to death. So I have to admit hope wasn’t instant. But know this: many people survive cancer. It is possible to beat it. It is important to know and remember this because it will give you hope, it will help you fight and it will help you remain strong because it is not only the patient who needs strength, but his/her support system as well.

2. You are not alone. Even if you think others can’t understand what you’re going through, there are others who are in the same place as you. More importantly, you have to remember that your other family members are going through the same thing. Talk to them. Talk to learn.

3. Try to learn as much about the illness and available treatments as possible.

4. Spend as much time with your sick loved one. Be patient with them. Try to talk about other things with them aside from cancer. Laughter goes a long way. We also have to remember the many beautiful and fun things in this world.

5. Try to listen to your loved one. Our immediate reaction is to comfort, give advice and find a solution, but sometimes the person going through cancer just needs someone to listen.

6. Accompany your loved one to doctor’s appointments. They will not only appreciate it, it will also help you by asking questions and getting to know the doctors that your loved ones will be spending so much time with. This was where I struggled because of my job schedule. But my dad was very good at this.

7. Respect your loved one’s need to be alone. Sometimes, showering love means giving them space and quiet time.

8. Encourage them to lean on family and friends.

9. Lastly, you have to take care of yourself too, because you can’t help your loved one if you’re not healthy.  – (FREEMAN)