Grief with a good purpose

CEBU, Philippines —  It’s good that All Souls’ Day this year falls on a Saturday. The weekend being the traditional bonding time for the family, today is good opportunity to bond as well with the family’s departed dear ones. A visit to the cemetery is a time for rekindling memories and that sense of being part of the family’s collective life experience. 

At the grave of the dear departed, it may be difficult to evade the sad feeling of loss returning. But such trace of sorrow can work positively – to remind the living of their own mortality. It can get the children in the family, in particular, educated in the reality of death. 

To the young ones, who are primarily preoccupied with social media, death can seem like ‘virtual’ and not ‘actual’ reality. The social media is a very convenient and effective tool for reinventing reality. While, yes, it is still largely ‘reality’ that people share on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram, often it is tweaked or embellished reality.

For most people, the social media is a platform where to create an illusion about their lives that’s glossier than their lives actually are. An average social media account is awash with meticulously chosen photographs – the account owner in flashy outfits, in posh places, and smiling from ear to ear. The better the pictures, the longer it stays posted; because the reality is that the conditions and occasions in these pictures are quite rare to come by.

The social media is also an extension of memorable celebrations: birthdays, graduations, weddings, having a new job or baby etc. It’s like an application of the saying: “Out of the exuberance of the heart the mouth speaks.” It’s like people would like the world to celebrate with them, and prolong their celebrations, via social media.

There has lately been an unlikely ‘occasion’ brought into the sphere of social media – the loss of a loved one. The social media, being a very convenient platform for self-expression, is now also being used to vent sorrowful emotions. At the same time, there are websites set up for funerals or donations or just a place where to dump departed loved ones’ memories.

This emerging trend probably looks confusing to the traditional mind, for now. To someone whose consciousness is overcome with sadness from a loss of a loved one, bringing the matter to the internet may only further complicate the situation. Perhaps it does not really assuage the sorrow, but provides a kind of distraction from the sorrow.

For example, there is a website called Deathswitch that takes in one’s passwords and other relevant online information – plus a letter from the account owner after he goes – that gets sent to his friends and family after he dies. The network checks in with the account owner every few months or once a year, and if he doesn’t respond, it sends his package to his chosen recipients. It’s like a kind of will that would let one’s family get into his online accounts after he dies. The downside is if the person hasn’t actually died but just forgot to check in with the site. What a shock for his sister if she gets an email with the password to his bank accounts and a heart wrenching goodbye from him ‘beyond the grave’!

This use of technology may only reduce mourning the loss of a loved one to mere technical procedure. Worse, it may essentially deprive the surviving family the necessary means to heal emotionally. Distraction does not bring healing; it delays it, instead.

All world religions have a prescribed period of mourning upon the death of a loved one. For Catholic Christians it’s 40 days. The period is believed to be sufficient for the grieving person to indulge in his sorrow, to rearrange his life without the lost loved one, and then get on with his life.

Death is not for a show; it is an inevitable reality. This is the reality that confronts everyone who visits the cemetery. If the feeling of sadness returns, so be it – such grief comes back with a good purpose.