Resolving the sibling wars

CEBU, Philippines — The home is generally viewed to be everyone’s place of love and comfort. The love among family members brings peace. And such environment of love and peace brings comfort, both physical and emotional.

Amid the rising misunderstanding and bickering in the world, all the more the peaceful environment of the home is a refuge. Parents, alarmed over the increasing crime rates these days, want to keep their kids at home. There is no safer place than home.

Parents naturally worry about their kids’ safety outside. They worry, too, about news of crime and aggression that reach the kids right in their living rooms, through modern gadgets and television. Parents fear that these negative inputs may distort the kids’ view of life and outward behavior.

Ideally, the culture of peace begins at home. At the home level, parents and children can do much for peace. The parents may teach peace, and the whole family may apply it. There can be peace among siblings, especially, who often find themselves embroiled in fights.

Siblings normally fight over just anything – which TV show to watch, whose turn it is to play video games, who’s doing the dishes, who’s being noisy etc. One sibling often gets angry at the other one’s teasing. A “sibling war” can start anytime.

Kids want positive interactions with their siblings, for sure. But cooperation, empathy, kindness, fair play, and self-control don’t always come naturally to children. Buttons get pushed, defenses go up, and friction flickers.

Parents shall take a lead role in teaching positive values to kids – and in stopping the sibling wars at home. Anything from small responsibilities, like making a bed and tending the backyard garden, to big ones, like choosing a career or good citizenship, can be taught at home by parents – either by actually demonstrating to the kids or by setting the example themselves. Positive values manifest in positive behavior, and positive behavior can preclude or resolve misunderstandings and quarrels.

Charlotte Reznick Ph.D., at www.psychologytoday.com, shares useful tips for parents to squelch sibling squabbles and develop more loving connections among the kids at home:

• Don’t underestimate stress. When pressure is high, tolerance for little annoying behaviors falls. Teach your children to check and rate their stress levels from 0 to 10. Then, let them do slow deep breathing to calm down and re-center, lower reactivity, and raise tolerance.

Find out what’s under the big bad feelings. Start by accepting and validating whatever one child is feeling about his sibling. Then gently guide him to the core issue. Listen to whatever he offers for angry or hateful feelings, then advise, “Close your eyes, and be surprised at what’s under your anger (jealousy, betrayal…).” When your child faces the emotions under his distress, you can help him make a plan to release them and make peace with his sister or brother.

• Use Animal and Wizard wisdom in a pinch. Suggest calling in a wise imaginary Animal friend or Wizard for advice on any sibling disputes. A Blue Bird may imaginarily fly in and recommend that instead of pinching a brother or pulling his hair, one may just pinch and pull her pillow. And Mr. Wizard may offer the gift of a “magic eraser” to erase her bad thoughts about her brother.

• Have feelings talk to each other. Your child probably has a range of emotions about his siblings, some of which are as distinct as love/hate or happy/sad. Having his feelings ‘speak’ to each other can result in a creative compromise. Once they get the hang of it, kids can practice together or role play, as the “Anger” of one negotiates with the “Sadness” of the other, helping them understand each other even more.

• Give the marble jar a chance. This often works like a charm. To encourage your kids to get along well, let them know you appreciate and want to acknowledge their efforts at being kind to one another. Then take a jar, and every time you “catch” them being “neutral or nice,” drop a marble (or colored glass bead) in the jar. Lots of reinforcement is important at the start to encourage positive behavior. When the jar is filled up, offer some terrific fun time. And along the way, reward them with something simple but enticing – picking the videos to enjoy, special ice-cream, whatever you decide together.

Parents shall always keep in mind that their kids are individually unique, not equal. The kids are different – likely different ages and certainly different personalities and needs. It is important that parents find the time to talk to their children about the kids’ feelings towards one another.

Equally important, parents shall try to avoid favoritism and comparison among their kids. Instead, they shall celebrate each child’s uniqueness, and encourage cooperation – not rivalry or competition.