Simple tips to help you skillfully resolve conflict

I have been writing about the need to change the behavior in dealings between management and employees as we are faced with 4-5 generations in companies after the employment of millennials and centennials.

We are all aware that millennials and centennials have different work expectations and that the older generations have to change and become mentors and social coaches. In order to move companies forward, conflicts have to be avoided.

Over the past few years, I committed to learning how to handle conflict or – even better – avoid conflict. I still make mistakes — like any person—but I’ve been able to avoid a lot of unnecessary disputes, keep calm under pressure, and create better outcomes.

While there’s no “one way” to solve every disagreement, I’ve learned a simple framework that has revolutionized how I manage conflict. It has helped me build deeper relationships and enjoy more peace of mind—and I hope it helps you too:

1. Choose Your Circle Wisely - Because the vast majority of conflict is with other people, it’s critical to invite the right people into our business and private lives so we can avoid unnecessary problems.

Sure, there are certain people we can’t choose, but we can choose our friends, our partners, and who we talk to. When it comes to our colleagues in business, we have no choice but to successfully manage conflict with others.

2. Strengthen Your Character - For example, some people argue because they want to “win”—they need to be right and the other person to be wrong. In this case, however, it’s obvious the conflict isn’t about whatever topic is being disputed: It’s actually about that person’s insecurity and lack of self-esteem. It’s about them wanting to have moral superiority and punish another person. It’s about their inability to accept other opinions or beliefs.

In companies, we have to become partners to move the business forward and benefit. If the company does well, we will do well.

3. Deactivate Your “Buttons” - We all have sensitive areas or topics that make us overly emotional. When people “push” these buttons, it easily creates conflict.

What are your buttons? What do you not like? A great step to managing conflict is to become aware of what triggers you in the first place.

From there, work to “deactivate” your buttons so they no longer upset you. I will not tell you about my ‘deactivated’ buttons??

4. Focus On The Topic - An unfortunate issue with conflicts is they escalate out of control. At first, there’s a tiny disagreement; the next thing you know, there’s a full-on shouting matching.

One reason is that they get “personal” — rather than focusing on the disagreement itself, someone starts to attack your character, personality, or way of life. Maybe they belittle you and say, “How could you be so stupid?!” Or maybe they hit “below the belt” or bring up past mistakes.

If you fail to spot the personal attack, however, you might defend yourself and return the attack, which creates more hostility. But if you recognize it, you can prevent them from getting personal (or just leave the situation).

To successfully manage conflict, avoid personal attacks (try making “I-statements” instead of “you-statements”), aggressive or insulting behavior, or straying off-topic. Also, learn to recognize when someone isn’t willing to listen or just wants to argue for the sake of arguing.

5. Focus on the Best Outcome - When resolving conflict, ask: “How do I want to feel?”

Let’s say you don’t get along with a coworker. How do you want the two of you to feel about each other moving forward? What’s the ideal outcome?

Is it to win? Is it to make them feel bad? If so, how can you truly resolve conflict if you want to maintain it?

When dealing with conflict, I want to feel like I’m acting fair, being transparent, and respecting their boundaries and mine. I will try to learn more about the situation and see if we can avoid it in the future. And I definitely want to reach an understanding that will serve us moving forward.

Ultimately, dealing with conflict is not about violence, swearing at someone, or being rude. It’s about discussing an issue in a firm, fair, and civil way. It’s about respecting the other person and trying to find a successful solution.

Life will never be free of conflict, but if you make the effort to learn how to skillfully handle those situations, you can unlock a lot of life-changing benefits and enjoy more peace of mind throughout your days, in and outside the office or factory.

I hope these tips help. Feedback is appreciated. Contact me at [email protected]