Read me not

MANILA, Philippines - You’ve been quizzed to death by the characters of Rizal’s novels, but the question is: What are their signs? Bagay ba talaga si Ibarra at si Maria Clara? What’s up with Pilosopo Tasyo? Your Astro P*tas (@putastrology  on Twitter) got you, though. We reread Jose Rizal’s classics and wrote you the definitive guide to the astrological signs as characters in Noli Me Tangere and El Filibusterismo.

Aries (03/21 - 04/19)

Salome

Salome ain’t the girl you mess around with. She’s strong, independent and knows what she wants from her loverboy Elias. As an Aries, mumshie is hella headstrong and refuses to take no for an answer. Even as Elias chooses the revolution over her, what was girlaloo’s last wish? For him to never forget her. Pak!

Taurus (04/20 - 05/20)

Basilio

With his smarts and persistence, Basilio made the most out of his situation in Noli to focus on his studies and pull his life together by El Fili. Of course he’s haunted by the past, pero sa totoo lang, it’s his tragic backstory that pushes him forward to better himself and the world around him. He’s stubborn as a damn bull, but you can’t deny that he gets sh*t done.

Gemini (05/21 - 06/20)

Isagani

The twins are known to be smart, driven, idealistic — pero minsan tanga lang talaga. Isagani, Basilio’s BFF and all-around smart poet boy, is a classic Gemini. Prone to overthinking things and making irrational decisions based on feelings, this college boy could have been so much more kung pinili lang niya ‘yung bayan kaysa sarili niya. He never had a chance with Paulita anyway.

Cancer (06/21 - 07/22)

Sisa

“BASILIO! CRISPIN!” This mom-shie displays the kind of motherly concern Cancers possess. Crabs are deeply emotional and possess a genuine need to take care of their loved ones. At its worst, it’s to the point where they go running and screaming down the streets for their Bimbs to come back to them.

Leo (07/23 - 08/22)

Paulita Gómez

How do we even begin to explain Paulita Gómez? Beautiful and popular, this Leo is loved by everyone who lays eyes on her, particularly our flighty Gemini Isagani. Paulita keeps all the boys on a tight leash, but is ultimately decisive about what’s best for her. Even after she’s left you in the dust, you’d still take a bullet (or a lamp-shaped bomb) for her.

Virgo (08/23 - 09/22)

Maria Clara

A perfectionist to the end, your girl Maria Clara kept up with all the expectations of women from the era. Playing the piano and the harp? Singing like Charlotte Church? Nineteenth century manners? Kaya ni bes lahat, kahit nakakastress. The low-key tough girl was sentimental af, carrying Ibarra’s letter to her in a secret pouch everywhere she went.

Libra (09/23 - 10/22)

Elias

A deeply intellectual and persuasive dude, Elias is the rogue revolutionary who makes a case to Ibarra for retaliation against the Spaniards, as well as the rugged boatman who sweeps Salome off her feet. Libras are great talkers and occasionally crazy unpredictable, pero what a ride it is being their friend.

Scorpio (10/23 - 11/21)

Crisostomo Ibarra / Simoun

There are two kinds of Scorpios in the world: the Ibarras and the Simouns. Will you empathically weave your way through social situations with an almost academic understanding of how the world works? Or will you just burn everything down because you’re sick of everyone’s crap? Who can ever be sure?

Sagittarius (11/22 - 12/21)

Padre Damaso

No one else quite has that frank, IDGAF Sagittarius attitude in the book like Padre Damaso. The friar is too smart for his own good, manipulates situations, and gets away with doing whatever the hell he wants. If he has a grudge against you or doesn’t like what you have to say? Boom, excommunicated ka bes.

Capricorn (12/22 - 01/19)

Kapitan Tiago

As a self-made businessman, Kapitan Tiago’s story is a classic “started from the bottom, now we’re here.” The whole town of San Diego respects him and looks up to him. Still, ang dense ni bes minsan (because Capricorns are). How could he not tell Maria Clara wasn’t his biological daughter? How could he be so trusting of Padre Damaso? Ayan kasi.

Aquarius (01/20 - 02/18)

Pilosopo Tasyo

Don Anastacio cared way too much about everything. Then everyone turned it into a running joke. Honestly, though, if he were still around today, maybe everyone would follow his woke Twitter account. Strong and opinionated, Aquarians are always ready to school you on your privilege and put their beliefs into practice.

Pisces (02/19 - 03/20) 

Julî

The sentimental sweetheart of the second novel, Julî would do anything for her beloved Basilio. Like a Pisces, she’s compassionate and capable of immense sacrifice for the people around her like Basilio and her father Kabesang Tales. Bes takes bad advice sometimes, though, like going to meet Padre Camorra who tries to rape her and leaves her no option other than jumping to her death. Art by JILL ARTECHE