A reminder from Bill Cosby

What will happen when we are afraid to come forward to report sexual abuses? What happens when we finally do? Will people listen?

There are now more than 10 sexual harassment allegations against comedian Bill Cosby, some dating all the way back to 1969. The issue first went public in 2005, when Temple University’s Andrea Constand filed a civil lawsuit against the actor (as did 10 other “Jane Does”). The case was settled. The issue resurfaced when another comedian, Hannibal Buress, made a joke about Cosby’s “infallibility.” And the bit went viral.

Today, after Buress’ shtick, women are coming forward again, telling their stories. At the time of writing, a total of 16 women have accused the actor of sexual abuse, some of their assertions holding grave similarities: being drugged by the actor, groping, inappropriate touching, rape.

The issue is not to be taken lightly, for sure. But we also cannot discount the fact that the accusations against Cosby are still just accusations. I can’t help but remember the movie The Crucible where a bunch of girls in 16th-century Salem, Massachusetts are able to have people put to death by making up stories to convince their village that some of those people were witches. Those girls flocked together and pointed their fingers, falsely accusing people they didn’t like. Arthur Miller wrote the play to tackle the issue of McCarthyism, or the practice of making unfair accusations without regard for evidence. I’m not saying Bill Cosby is innocent. I bring it up only to make a point — which is that at this point, the battle seems, unfortunately, quite futile. When it gets to he-said-she-said, there is only so much justice that can be done, and so much truth that can be revealed.

Some of the allegations are decades old. There is no evidence. Let’s accept that little can be done, and people seem to know this. The issue is not so much about Cosby’s guilt, but how the whole affair is being received by the public. All over the Internet headlines scream: “Has Bill Cosby been able to dodge a bullet because he’s black?” “After ignoring all the women who came forth with the accusations, are people only taking notice of the issue now because a man made a joke about it?”

This whole scandal seems to have become less about sexual abuse, and more about public mindset, sexism and racism. It’s more about where the issue sits in relation to how the public has taken it. Where does it go from here? And why is this important to us?

Well, easily, we could have been one of those girls too. And we should view this particular Bill Cosby episode as kind of a case study. What will happen when we are afraid to come forward to report sexual abuses? What happens when we finally do? Will people listen?  How will our country take it? Why will they react the same way?

I guess our takeaway should be — well, let’s try not to let it get that far. A very public trial could go wrong. We girls have to be more assertive about our feelings and ourselves. If a person does something that makes you feel uncomfortable, it’s probably because he really did something to make you feel that way. You have the right to feel offended. Sometimes we are ashamed of feeling things, afraid of being seen as “too emotional” or “crazy.” But we shouldn’t be. That’s why many of the girls didn’t come forward right away, because how do you say, “Bill Cosby is a manyak ha,” without people thinking we’re a bit insane?

We can’t. We can’t completely tell how the public will think and feel about us (see: The Crucible). So we just have to make sure we don’t let it get that far. We have to remind ourselves that the only person we should be listening to in sticky situations is ourselves, even (and certainly) if your boy looks like Bill Cosby. Even if he takes you home, buys you dinner, holds your hand, and says “I love you” — you don’t need to do anything for him if you don’t want to, especially if he throws a tantrum about it (how old is he, 12?). If he does something that upsets you, then you have the right to speak up about it. If he expects things from you that you feel are uncalled for, then you have the right to say so. You do not “owe” him anything.

Don’t be afraid to say “no” when you want to. Don’t be swayed by terms like “killjoy,” “lame,” “bitch,” “crazy.” If he crosses the line, push him back to his place, and make sure he knows why you’re pissed. That tiny voice of reason at the back of your head, or in your gut, don’t quiet that voice. Make it shout.