SUPREME POST-SCRIPT: Justice for Steph Curry’s sneakers

In sports, not all men are created equal. Some are taller, some can jump higher, and some gain fame and fortune from superior height and skill. But life has a way of striking some measure of balance, no matter how trivial. Michael Jordan is a world famous billionaire considered to be the all-time best athlete in his sport, but he is also known as the most mocked image in sports. The Crying Jordan, a screencap from his Hall of Fame speech in which he made the unfortunate mistake of weeping profusely, is now a meme whose ubiquity and inevitability necessitates the first-letter caps treatment, and which pops up in the heads of unsuspecting Twitter victims, from losing athletes to losing political candidates.

The Golden State Warriors’ Stephen Curry is an MVP, a champion, and a beloved athlete. He is arguably the most electrifying player in the NBA today and he has the cutest family in all of sports. He is also now the owner of the most ridiculed signature sneakers in all of sports. The Under Armour “Chef” Curry 2 lows dropped last week to the sound of hyenic laughter and a Twitter-wide open mic night. Images of the painfully basic, unironically normcore, plain white sneaker quickly went viral and set off a name-calling contest, producing such classics as “The Seinfeld 2s,” “the Dad Force Ones,” “the All Lives Matter 2s,” and “the Senior Citizen Discount 3s.” It is now officially the Crying Jordan of sneakers. Jimmy Kimmel joked: “These shoes are so white, they just endorsed Donald Trump for president.” Stephen Colbert joined in the fun, saying: “These shoes look like a golf cart had sex with a jar of mayonnaise.”

People weren’t just ganging up on a pair of sneakers simply because they were basic; they were doing so because it’s Under Armour, a brand that, despite Curry’s meteoric success, still doesn’t have the cool cachet of Nike, Jordan Brand, or even Adidas. While the upstart company has been competing well against the basketball sneaker market’s big 3, it’s relying more on performance cred than street cred. People come for the Curry name but true hoopers stay for the “Charged” cushioning technology, an advanced foam that is on par with Nike’s “Lunarlon” and Adidas’ “Boost” when it comes to impact protection, energy return, and other jock concerns. But sneakerheads generally don’t think they’re “dope.”

This deficiency in cool sort of extends to Curry, a rich kid who prances around awkwardly on the court after heaving traditionally uncool 28-foot jump shots. In a way, he is the perfect Under Armour endorser — technically proficient but just a wee bit corny. He will never be as gangsta as Allen Iverson or as slick as Jordan. He’s more like Chicken Little, if he grew up to become a world-class athlete.

Having said that, the basketball sneaker industry has greater crimes to answer for than a pair of boring shoes. If the Internet can roast Curry’s shoes for being bland, then we can at least retroactively make fun of other ones for being ugly. In the interest of fairness, let’s recall some of the worst-looking basketball sneakers in recent memory – most of them even worse than Curry’s – and give them the bashing they equally deserve.

Nike LeBron 11 2k14

Should be called:

“Nike Air Matrona”

“Strip club 11s”

“Nike Hair Metal”

People love to hate LeBron James, but boy, do they love his shoes. Among all signature shoes in the 2016 NBA Finals, James’ are the most popular in the resale market, surpassing those of Curry and Kyrie Irving. If you ask sneakerheads, they’ll tell you LeBrons are “straight fire.” But this doesn’t negate the fact that some of Nike’s most abominable shoes bear the King’s name. Chief among them is the LeBron 11 “2k14,” named after the famous NBA video game because I guess the 2014 version was set in a drug den. This gaudy design would be more explicable if they were actually made out of the costume of an extra from a 1982 Whitesnake video.

Nike Zoom Hyperrev 1

Should be called:

“Captain Planet 1s”

“Flash Gordons”

“Mighty Kid”

Nike’s design team has been noticeably playful this decade, especially with the myriad possibilities presented by new materials such as flyknit, jacquard, and engineered mesh. But holy Phil Knight did they go overboard with this one. What were they smoking? Were they high on Froot Loops? Did they binge-watch all seasons of Yo Gabba Gabba? Where was the Curry-level ball-busting in 2014?

Nike Kyrie 1

Should be called:

“Kiddie dinosaur feet”

“Overbite”

“Nike Zoom Hyperreptile”

I know sneakerheads love the Kyrie 1s, but let’s get real here. How are these not cartoon lizards? As if the jagged jaws on the forefoot weren’t comically zoo-like enough, Nike had to put scales on the heel counter. And these aren’t just your standard Kobe 8 snakeskin pattern — these look and feel like actual amphibian scales. I’d rather put them in a preservation center than wear them. Granted, the “Infrared” colorways look nice, but only on little children and adult women.

Reebok Kamikaze 2

Should be called:

“Toddler vandalism”

“Charlie Brown 2s”

“90s Trapper Keeper”

I guess we can cut Reebok some slack with this one, since it’s a retro ’90s model and we all know that not everything holds up well from that decade. The Kamikaze 2s are the Parker Lewis Can’t Lose and The Spin Doctors of hoops shoes. This is unfortunate because these sneakers were worn by The Seattle Supersonics’ Shawn Kemp, one of the most entertaining players in NBA history and personally my favorite in-game dunker of all time. He never goes out of style.

Under Armour Anatomix Spawn 2

Should be called:

“Flesh-eating Micro-G”

“The Walking Deads”

“Haven’t washed my feet in 15 years 2s”

Supposedly designed for anatomically-correct support and comfort (hence the name), UA’s Anatomix Spawn 2 ended up looking like a skinned foot rendered in late-60s LSD-inspired animation. Ideal for Halloween parties if you’re going as “swamp monster on steroids.”

Nike KD 7

“The Cockroach”

“Space cockroach”

“Creepily muscular cockroach”

I love Kevin Durant. He’s perhaps my favorite NBA player this decade. But I swear, when I first saw the KD 7s, I thought they looked like cockroaches. As time went by and more palatable colorways came to soften the initial shock, they kind of grew on me. I was able to see the aesthetic merits of the strap and the way the shoe is segmented between the hyperposite in the heel and the mesh at the forefoot. But now, seeing them for the first time in months, they look like cockroaches again.

Adidas Kobe 2

“Paper weight 2s”

“Batmobiles”

“Chastity boot”

To be fair to the sneaker-bashing community, the Adidas Kobe 2 is widely considered the worst basketball shoes of all time. I think everyone immediately hated it upon its release in 2001; there just wasn’t social media yet to confirm this. Its awfulness is by no means underrated. However, this atrocity to humankind needs to be bashed at every opportunity, if only to make up for the fact that the “Chef” Curry 2s got slandered to the extent that these automobile-inspired Frankenstein shoes never did. At least “dad” shoes are still shoes. I don’t even know how Kobe Bryant won a championship wearing these toaster ovens.