To Star Lord, thanks for everything, xoxo, Supreme
Dear Chris Pratt,
MANILA, Philippines - To many of us, you are first and foremost Andy Dwyer of Parks and Recreation—hapless musician with some of the best band names to ever grace the screen, including the series of Fiveskin, Fourskin, and Threeskin, as well as the ever-memorable Mouse Rat. You are the exuberant protector who is afraid to ask who Al Gore is, and who lovingly threatened to take on your wife’s mother in your wedding vows. You’re that guy with a kind, handsome face, and a physique that (and we sincerely mean this as a compliment) must give unearthly bear hugs.
To some, your silver screen presence was most of note in The Five Year Engagement, where you stole the entire film in a scene where you sang Cucurrucucú Paloma. (Just thinking about it provokes an entirely deserving fit of giggles.)
As the standard Hollywood track dictates, there is a clear divide between the Brad Pitts/Tom Cruises and the Vince Vaughns/Jason Segels. There are leading men who make summer blockbusters, and there are leading men in offbeat comedies. You were headed for a lifetime of great supporting roles of being the zany best friend with quick comebacks, and the love interest of a glaringly hot, most likely blonde comedienne.
But then something wonderful happened.
From being the furthest bet for a rock and roll savior of planets, you’ve become a Guardian of the Galaxy and an overnight bankable movie star. The role in question utilizes the very comedy we’ve grown to love in your performances, thus seamlessly fusing the darling comedian with five star action hero. Roll out the red carpet, kids, because a new heartbreaker has arrived.
What makes you an adorable, heart-slaying hunk, however, is not the fact that your body mass index has quite obviously dropped. It’s the fact that regardless of the size of your role or the amount of studio power behind it, there has never been a moment of doubt as to who Chris Pratt is. You’re content to do your job well, but you’re not preoccupied with being attractive, which is what endears us to you the most.
New standard
In fact, we’re taking a moment of sincerity to thank you for setting a new standard for the classic Hollywood hunk. We’ve been told time and again via shampoo and skincare commercials that real sexiness is about being yourself (except having the message delivered by Amazons with perfect hair and teeth kind of negates the concept entirely).
Becoming this brand-spanking new cinematic heartthrob would cue most other men to be more particular about the mussed up-ness of their hair and the intensity of their smolder. You, however, take to press junkets, boasting your ability to rap like Eminem and French braid hair like a boss. You talk about literally flashing Amy Poehler on the set of Parks and Rec because it was the only way to get a solid, sincere reaction. You shrug off the fuss people are making about your new look, not as a display of false humility, but as a reminder to us that this is what a consummate professional does when his role requires it of him.
You may not realize it, but you are teaching a valuable lesson to boys and girls who are going to grow up watching you, and to those of us who have yet to unlearn some deeply ingrained habits. You are comfortable in your skin, whatever its measure may be, and you don’t pretend to be anything other than what you are. And because of that, you’ve given us a gift that is rather rare for the golden star-lit streets of Hollywood: that in being enamored with you, we have found that our rougher edges, our more flesh-and-blood aspects, our weird quirks and little bursts of humor are worth far more than an albeit perfectly sculpted shell that encases it all.
You are a Guardian of the Galaxy with huge prospects on the horizon, yes, but you’re also still our Cucurrucucú-singing, Mouse Rat-playing Andy. And for both of these things, we’re gladly taking up residence in your corner. Go forth and slay, bro. We’ve got your admittedly gorgeous back.
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