Is your marriage vulnerable to an affair?

Janice, a wife and mother with a rebellious teenage son, wasn’t on Facebook. Her friends teased her about it over lunch, persuading her to open an account right then and there. They asked if her husband, Gary, had an account, and when she said she wasn’t sure, they searched for his name.

Sure enough, he did have an account, where they saw he had been tagged in numerous photos at parties and having after-work drinks. A very young woman was in some of the pictures and, more troublingly, in twosome shots with Gary as well. To their horror, when they accessed the girl’s profile, they saw that Gary’s name was written next to “In a relationship.”

The table fell silent and Janice’s friends didn’t know what to say. Janice, for her part, was understandably humiliated and devastated. Lately she had noticed that Gary had been distant and always acted irritated with her, but he had always spoken highly of fidelity and commitment, so she thought she had no reason to mistrust him.

This social-media horror story is just one of the many case studies in Affairs Don’t Just Happen, a book by relationship therapist Lissy Ann Abella Puno. Based in Singapore, where she founded the International Counselling & Psychology Centre, she holds a master’s degree in Counseling Psychology from Lesley University in Cambridge, Massachusetts, and was appointed clinical fellow in psychology by Harvard University at the McLean Hospital.

Puno, who has worked with couples of 40 different nationalities for 25 years, decided to write the book because she’d noticed a disturbing trend among millennials today: “After just a year of marriage, they want to end it for the most trivial of reasons, like boredom.”

In Affairs Don’t Just Happen, Puno shows how affairs can and do happen even in relationships that start out as solid. She reveals all the warning signs, and what to do if your husband is exhibiting them. (The book is written mainly from the point of view of it’s the husbands having the affairs.) More importantly, she advises readers on how to strengthen and protect — if not affair-proof — their marriage, and offers hope that, even if an affair is ongoing or has already happened, a couple can repair and recover the once-loving relationship they had.

“Relationships are actually good for your health,” Puno says. “They offer joyful moments and happy activities.”

The reason things go wrong is because, before becoming half of a couple, we go through life as individuals thinking of “I” and “me” before becoming “we.” Puno likens a marriage to a dance: partners must find the rhythm of being together and staying coupled for a lifetime.

“There are three stages of living,” Puno says. “One is romantic love when you first meet; this falling-in-love phase lasts 18 months to four years, and it won’t last,” she warns. “This is when people get hooked, saying, ‘You complete me,’ ‘I am nothing without you,’ ‘We’re perfect for each other.’ It acts like a cocktail on your brain, but it fades.”

Back in the day this phase lasted four to seven years (remember the movie The Seven Year Itch?), “but now marriages a year old die due to trivial causes: they’re bored or looking for an affair. Because romance can trick you, you think you’ll do everything together, always feel the same way about everything, your partner will meet all your needs — all myths. If lots of sex and affection is the basis of your marriage, then you’ll be disappointed.”

Next comes the disillusionment stage, where you fall in and out of love almost daily. “This occurs four to 15 years into it, feeling things are changing, and saying, ‘You’re not the person I fell in love with/married, ‘You’re different,’ ‘We’re not compatible.’”

This stage is when you fall out of love and become vulnerable to an affair. Symptoms are boredom, loneliness, lack of interest in each other, declining courtesies, nagging, feeling jealous and insecure, lack of appreciation, frequent fighting and quarrels, and feeling disconnected. Because the romance has faded and your needs are not being met, the connection is ruptured and you attract an affair.

“It’s not planned, it’s unconscious,” Puno says.

Sixty percent of marriages are affected by an affair or infidelity, and the reasons differ between men and women. For men it’s sexual, wanting more variety, and acting when an opportunity presents itself, when the other person is available. Men like challenge, pursuit, conquering, and flirtatious behavior, until a convenient meeting sparks the affair. Sex addiction could also be a factor.

For women it’s emotional, thinking they’re in love if they’re lonely or lacking in appreciation. They want to feel younger and sexier, and sexual discovery can also be a factor.

“But 80 percent who leave their marriage for an affair regret it later,” Puno cautions, “so safeguard your marriage. Don’t hastily leave it.”

Puno says it takes about three years to repair a marriage after infidelity, but it is possible: 86 percent of marriages recover from an affair.

“The goal is the ‘authentic love’ stage where love is secure,” she says. “It’s an option for all who work hard for it.”

This stage, which occurs 15 years onwards in a relationship, is a lifetime commitment. “Love is not only a feeling but a decision we make,” Puno stresses. “Behave in loving ways so feelings can grow. Stay connected. Accept your partner for who they are and not as you want them to be. People don’t change. An affair doesn’t mean your partner doesn’t love you. It’s a cry for help, wanting to be rescued.”

She cites one of her favorite quotes: “‘If marriage is made in heaven, the maintenance work is done here on earth.’ There’s no such thing as a soul mate; you make yourself work with each other. Spend less time earning a living and more time earning loving.”

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Affairs Don’t Just Happen is available at Powerbooks, National Book Store, and online at www.nationalbookstore.com.

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