Things that are different now for dads

On Father’s Day, if you happen to be one yourself, you can’t help comparing the way things were long ago to nowadays. It’s almost the worst side effect of being a father: the misguided belief that things should/can/will remain the same as they were when you were growing up.

In truth, I don’t think there’s ever been that much agreement between generations, even back in cavemen days. Cave Dads back then probably had to yell at Cave Sons to get off their butts and help Cave Mom skin the saber-toothed tiger for dinner.

So maybe some things do remain the same. But we have this weird disconnect with the latest generation, because they seem to be raised by the Internet. They won’t listen to your story about walking three miles to the town library to research a book report because it’s, like, totally irrelevant.

But at the risk of sounding like one of those fuddy-duddies who complain how things were different in their day, I’m going to list down some of the ways parenting really is different now.

1. Mobile devices. My 13-year-old daughter has been carting around the same iPad Mini for three years. It’s got a cracked screen, but she’s not the type to complain or seek an upgrade; that cracked iPad is her constant companion, partly because her school practically forced us to get one so she could download her textbooks on it, but also because it’s what kids now use to survive modern life.

The iPad has become a much bigger coping mechanism for kids than TV ever was for us, growing up. Television was, let’s face it, a box with very limited content on it. When we got bored with it, we had to wander outside and do dangerous stuff, like play in the street. The iPad promises every level of distraction, interaction and solace that the Internet offers — and on the face of it, that sounds pretty scary.

That’s because it is scary.

2. Friends. We used to have a bunch of friends we’d meet up with after school. Our parents were cool with us wandering off down the street, playing until it started to get dark, then finding our way back in time for supper.

There’s no way we could do that with our daughter in the modern world. Rather, contacting her friends is a complex process that involves rounds of mini-negotiations, planning sessions, initial scheduling and discussions of what movies to watch and which type of pizza to order. It’s usually held in our house or one of her friends’ homes, though occasionally there’s a mall outing. This involves a delicate process of hanging around the periphery of our daughter and her friends at the mall, without really disturbing the gestalt — almost like safari or bird-watching. This is necessary because teenage girls are possibly the most sensitive and easily spooked creatures on earth. You have to tread lightly in social situations. Which also includes…

3. Interaction with adult humans. This is usually accomplished with as few actual words as possible — a few smiles around the room, a nod or two, or a hello if you happen to remember any of her friends’ names.

This is in stark contrast to the way our daughter’s lola will conduct inquiries with Isobel’s friends. Being from a generation even earlier than ours, her interaction is laced with serious questions about their future career plans, as well as philosophical matters, politics and reincarnation. (My daughter said one such lunch with her lola present felt like taking final exams.) My wife and I, on the other hand, will awkwardly try to throw in references to popular movies or YA authors like John Green, to prove we’re “hip” and “with it.” Equally awkward.

4. Sophistication. Let’s face it, each generation fancies itself a more advanced version. Looking back, I’m pretty sure I was insufferable to be around as a teen, with my esoteric music tastes and shelves of sci-fi and horror authors. I felt like I knew loads more than the previous generation.

Today’s kids have the capacity to cram in much more knowledge than we ever did, right at their fingertips. Usually they don’t, of course: they troll silly websites and debate which YouTube phenomena are douches and which are righteous. But almost by osmosis, they seem to be more settled in this world, one that we adult tenants find increasingly scary, confusing and uninhabitable. My daughter has a natural fashion sense, for one thing. (She may have inherited it from her mom.) She knows how to pull together a Forever 21 look with a hoodie and cat shoes with the best of them.

On the other hand, kids today are more easily embarrassed. In my day, my mom would actually pick out my corduroy jeans up to age 13. I simply didn’t care that they made me look like a doofus. In contrast, when my daughter needs a 2x2 photo for her new school ID and I try to foist upon her old photos from last year, she sneers at them and asks if we can take some new photos at the mall this weekend “that don’t look disgusting.” So things are a bit more high maintenance.

When it comes to culture and current events, she’s a sharper critic than I ever was at her age. It may have to do with the constant online chatter about every passing event — whether it’s the Orlando shooting (horrific) or Benedict Cumberbatch in Sherlock (she says he looks like a lizard) or the new Rick Riordan series (meh). She has her own 10-point rating system for movies, and very few get above a 7. She’s stricter than I am.

5. Boys. Hasn’t come up yet. Praise God.

6. Emo phase. This is when your child starts adopting the mannerisms and outlook of Tuesday Addams. Sometimes our daughter claims she has no feelings, but I know otherwise: she is teeming with emotions, and at times it’s like Inside Out, watching it all get filtered and processed. She’s eminently logical, a trait valued by her school and classmates; on the other hand she can be choked up with emotion at the simplest things: an unexpected compliment from her dad, or a sign of someone’s distress, or (more often these days) a puppy.

So in some ways, parenting has changed, just as the world has changed. We can’t really go back to old ways of looking at things. Parents and kids are inevitably set on a course of challenging one another’s assumptions about the world; that’s how they test it out, and learn how to see things through their own eyes. It’s a necessary process, and although I may want to assert my own way of thinking, most of the time I have to let her decide things on her own, knowing that she is intelligent enough to make the right decisions, and trying to be there at the times she wants a second opinion.

But in case she does ask, I agree with her about Cumberbatch. And puppies.