These phrases must die, Gangnam-style

It was the year of a chubby Korean singer who raked in YouTube megabucks and launched a thousand Christmas party imitators. (Of course, some of them were actually quite amusing.)

But that’s all done now; 2012 is over, and we can do away with insipid, wormhole phrases like “Gangnam style” as we boldly face a brand new year of insipid, wormhole phrases which have yet to be minted.

Granted, my threshold for annoying phrases is much lower than most people’s. So what will 2013 bring? Will the combined forces of YouTube and Twitter unleash a new contagion of phrases like a pack of wild dogs breathing down our necks? Will we become even more random in our randomness? Will we finally curate ourselves into wooden crates? It’s enough to drive the listener cray-cray. Read on.

• Amazeballs. Okay, this one mostly gets used by the Justin Bieber demographic, but it’s still pretty annoying. Anyone beyond the age of 15 who types “amazeballs” to show their enthusiasm is a douche; anyone beyond the age of 15 who says it out loud should be dragged to the bottom of the Marianas Trench by a rabid barracuda.

• Awkward. This is uttered mostly by young people who haven’t figured out that the proper thing to do when there’s an awkward moment in life is to not draw attention to it by arching your eyebrows and saying “Awkward...” The phrase is usually accompanied by a partial paralysis of the limbs or face as the speaker’s eyes bug out to emphasize just how awkward it all is. (Variation: “That was awkward…”)

• Awesome sauce! No one actually uses this, do they? But simply typing it reminds me of how annoying it was when I first heard it. The sell-by date on this sauce is now definitely expired.

• Curate. While this word’s general repugnance has been covered ad nauseam, it’s nothing compared to the ad nauseam of actually hearing people use the word to describe how they’ve carefully gathered their “Best Albums of 2012” lists, their favorite blogs, their best places to get after-midnight ramen in Manila, their favorite TV shows, blah-blah-blah. A character in Michael Chabon’s latest novel, Telegraph Avenue, blithely hands out business cards that simply bear his name followed by one word: “Curator.” Curate a life, while you’re at it.

• Cray-cray. Used in place of “crazy.” Just stay away-way.

• Don’t go there. This one indicates the speaker is unhappy about the direction a conversation is heading. “You think I should apologize to Vicky? Oh, don’t go there!” Like there’s some vast, mapped-out zone of topics that everyone’s supposed to know the speaker is particularly averse to, so just step off. The arrogance is particularly annoying. Whatever happened to free speech? Or even free conversation? (Acceptable rejoinder: “Awkward…”)

• Don’t hate. While we can agree in principle with this sentiment on most levels, in practice people generally use it to justify some of the most annoying behavior imaginable. Then they jump in with a preemptive “Don’t hate” to avoid getting judged. At which point you are free to come back with “Don’t go there…”

• First World Problems. We hear this uttered a lot by people whenever they smugly diss other people’s complaints — like they hate the new Facebook settings, or whatever. It’s meant to suggest how petty and insignificant such bitching and whining is. Yet the phrase itself is bitchy and whiny. Suffice it to say, using the phrase “First World Problems” is a First World Problem.

• Fresh to death. The gang at Young Star brought this to my attention. Obviously, it means “new to the nth degree, the next level, the ultimate,” etc. I haven’t actually heard it texted, posted or tweeted, but it goes on the list out of general principle.

• Hipster. Not just the word, but the self-consciousness of hipsterism itself has got to die. (And then maybe the hipsters themselves, eventually.) It used to be enough that others could sneeringly label someone a hipster and be done with it; now, thanks to the word’s proliferation, countless would-be hipsters worry that they aren’t, or they are, or they should be. Just go.

• Interwebz. Any cutesy, ironic version of saying “Internet” (“Interweb,” “Interwebs”) is frowned upon, but this one — with the added “z” — is doubly annoying. It conveys that the person using it is making fun of people who aren’t quite up to speed on the Internet. Because they’re, like, old or something. But it just sounds retarded.

• Just saying. This passive-aggressive little gem (or germ) indicates that the speaker is critiquing something someone has said, but is simultaneously backing off from their own critique. How gutless. Don’t mince around with that half-assed apology, just say it!

• Selfie. Lifestyle maven Bea Ledesma brought this one to our attention. It refers to taking a self-portrait photo. As in “Check out my new profile selfie.” Or “just one more selfie before I sleep.” Yuck! I’m gonna have to selfie-purge now… 
• Seriously? This belongs roughly in the same zone as “Just saying” and “Don’t go there.” It’s a little judgmental nugget that people toss out to indicate their displeasure with someone else’s comment or behavior. (Note the sarcastic question mark on the end. It indicates the speaker can’t believe you just said/did something they object to. Seriously.)

• So much feels. Another Twitter spawn, this one is especially popular among the youths of the Philippines (or some I’m told by Young Star editors who, let’s face it, inadvertently provide me with most of my list words). It’s the new “feel-na-feel,” apparently.

• So random. Used by young people who haven’t quite figured out that life is pretty much made up of random moments anyway. So saying everything is “random” like it’s some fresh, new insight will start to get really pointless and meaningless by the time they hit their, uh, quarter-life crisis. Which is so random.

• Totes amaze. Twit-speak for “totally amazing,” one would guess, if one had to guess what creatures from a planet that spoke only in Twitter shorthand were actually saying.

• Using. Periods. Between. Words. Oh. God. Make. It. Stop.

• YOLO (“You only live once”). Just a reminder from the Facebook/Twitter brigade that they are young and have every right to do the same stupid things that everyone else did when they were young and stupid. Usually appended to the end of a post containing one or more bad ideas, such as “It’s Friday so I’m going to drink a whole quart of Jäger and then play traffic tag on SLEX! Hey, YOLO!”

• You’re welcome. This one usually comes at the end of some unsolicited advice or action. At which point the speaker preempts you from saying “Mind your own business, a-hole,” by slipping in that “You’re welcome.” As though they’re doing you a big favor. Which you didn’t ask for. Which they insist on pointing out you didn’t thank them for. (See: Will Ferrell’s Broadway spoof on George W. Bush, You’re Welcome, America.) Can be used at the end of Facebook posts, e-mails or even newspaper columns to indicate a lot of time and effort was put into preparing said advice, just for the sake of edifying readers on unwanted language for yet another passing year.

You’re welcome.