Dust yourself off

How does one rise from setbacks?  Omigod,  what setback have I not risen from? Let’s just discuss my latest mini-setback. 

I’m sure you can draw lessons from it.

This involves a ... I don’t know what to call her. She is more than an acquaintance but less than a friend. An associate, I’ll call her that, and assign her a fake name: Daisy. Daisy, many others and I are involved in activities that require organization. She is always on top of the projects.  The last one was a huge success. She said she was exhausted and could do no more. But there was still another activity to plan and was all out of energy for it.

Stupid me, I believed her. That was my last mistake. My first mistake was when she knew I sold something I owned so she came to me with a pearl necklace. She was borrowing P50,000 and in exchange I was to keep the necklace. She promised me she would pay it after six months. I wanted to tell her to go to a pawnshop but could not because she knew I had just gotten paid.

To make a long story short, she did not pay on time. She extended the repayment period. Then when I finally put my foot down she sent me a check.  I deposited the check. It was returned by the bank because the account had been closed. This made me so angry I demanded that she pay me in cash immediately. She did but by that time I felt very used and betrayed. That was one major healthy boundary she crossed. At that point I should have torn her up and thrown her away.

But people say you must forgive so I forgave but obviously I did not forget. I cannot forget serious wrongs and I do not believe anyone should forget. Anyway, time passed. We had many little skirmishes. See, she’s academic and I’m corporate. Once she wanted to approach corporations with training programs. I consulted a friend who said she would have to change her language from academic to more corporate. She didn’t like it when I told her that. My last job was president of an advertising agency. Don’t tell me I don’t make sense. So I shrugged my shoulders and didn’t pursue it. Many little things like that.

Then she had this smashing success that got her so tired she had no energy for the next event. So I volunteered to do it, thinking that with a new group of people handling it, it would change somehow. It had been always the same thing for the past five years, had gotten pretty boring. To spare you the details I will just say I noticed she didn’t want to surrender her calling the shots to me. That was the last boundary she crossed. Jung teaches us to have boundaries, meaning to know when to stop doing or accepting something or someone. This means we must have the ability to say no. She tried to invite me to lunch. I said no. What for?  For me she is a worthless friend. She is off my list.

So now I don’t belong to the circle or club any more. Anyway I have gotten all the knowledge I once needed and I continue my friendship with the other members but not with Daisy.  She set me back by always asserting her power in a most scatter-brained fashion, I might add.  So I stepped back.

Was it a setback for me? Yes. I was initially engrossed in the project then she started to find little things like insufficient parking, not wanting her event in the garden because it was too hot, wanting it in the air-conditioned room instead. So finally I let her have her way. I left her high and dry. Now I am planning my own activities for next year. I am working alone and am much happier this way.

I admit I was bothered for a while as I sorted out these things. But I knitted Christmas gifts. Soon I knew clearly I was getting off the boat. So I picked myself up, dusted myself off and started all over again.

That’s how you handle setbacks. First allow yourself maximum of a week or more to think clearly. Also always have a hobby you can pick up and do while you are sulking alone – knitting, crocheting, computer games, scrapbooking. When you see clearly, figure out how much you value yourself then throw away the piece that’s causing you to devalue yourself.  Even if she is your bestfriend, if she makes you devalue yourself draw the line. Create the boundary.

After that it’s easy – get yourself up, dust yourself off, and start all over again but never again with the same person who diminished you.

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