‘Help! I want to leave my abusive live-in partner’

DEAR EPPY, 

Hi! First, I would like to thank you for giving some of your time to read my letter. I am 53 years old, separated from my legal husband, and living with my partner for 14 years now. I don’t have kids with him. I decided to write to you because at my age, I still don’t know how to decide for myself.  It is about my situation with my live-in partner.

I think because I have no money and no house to live in, I am afraid to leave my live-in partner. He’s a businessman and I work with him without pay.  I only have money when I ask him for some for my personal needs. I do everything for him. I help him in his business and if we don’t have helpers, I do the household chores -- I give the dogs a bath and even do errands for him. He orders me around all the time. 

Every time we talk, I ask questions about office work, and he would shout at me.  He has no respect for me. The more I ask for respect, the more he shouts at me. He doesn’t like being asked questions or being asked for favors. Whenever we go to the mall, he walks ahead of me; every time we do some groceries, he picks the grocery items, I push the cart, and then carry all the things we bought to the car. 

I feel like a robot.  I have to ask him before I cook anything or buy anything from the market. Whenever I’d make a mistake, when I speak, he would shout expletives at me. My feelings for him have waned. I can’t cry anymore even if he verbally abuses me again and again. He doesn’t even say sorry even if he’s the one at fault. 

I have run away from him so many times. But because I don’t have my own house and money, I have to go back to him. Our employees have all resigned because of how he treats them. Now, we don’t have employees in our office.  It’s just me and him there.  He forces me to work hard even when I am sick. 

I want to give up my relationship with him.  I can’t take it anymore.  What should I do?  

LOST WIFE 

DEAR LOST WIFE,

The problem with abuse is the characteristic of dependency. The people involved in the abusive relationship are dependent on each other. The perpetrator of abuse is as dependent on the victim of abuse as the victim of abuse is dependent on the perpetrator of abuse.

You think you can’t live without your partner because you don’t have money and a place to live.  But in truth, you really have a difficult time leaving your partner because of your emotional attachment to him.  In the same way, your partner is emotionally dependent on you and will have difficulty without you by his side.

No matter who it is telling you to leave your partner, you will go back to him again and again. The person telling you to leave your partner will just be frustrated after repeatedly telling you to leave. It will take a while for you to actually get out of the abusive relationship you are in.

You know very well what to do. No one else can tell you what to do. You have to go through a process before you actually leave your partner. You have to go through counseling to quicken the process of leaving.

In the therapy sessions, your therapist will help you take away the guilt of leaving your partner.  It will also help you feel confident about leaving and living on your own. You also have to go through the process of accepting that it will take a very long time before your partner will change or  that he may not change at all.

One way or another, all relationships will be abusive.  However, there are some couples with one partner being an abuser. You seem to have caught a real live abuser.  I suggest for you to seek professional help.  Find a good psychotherapist to help you attain the confidence you need to live on your own.  Your psychotherapist will need to help you feel confident to find employment even at your age.  I’m sure that the work you have been doing for your partner can be used and appreciated elsewhere.

You might also want to seek legal counseling.  For example, your legal counsel might explore the possibility of Republic Act 9262 or the Anti-Violence Against Women And Their Children Act.  This is against the abuse of women and children.  Your case seems to be under this because your partner has a relationship with you, both emotionally and sexually, and has caused you psychological harm and suffering.  It is not clear to me, but it seems your partner has economically abused you as well because he has not been compensating you for your work or has not extended monetary support to you.                 EPPY

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Email eppygochangco@gmail.com.