‘I love my husband but my child reminds me of my ex-boyfriend’

Dear Eppy, 

I am still married to my husband and we are pretty much okay.  I know my husband loves me and I love him, too.  But I cannot seem to move on as our child reminds me of my ex-boyfriend.

It all started three years ago when my ex-boyfriend and I met after more than a decade via the social network.  He invited me for dinner and one thing led to another.  We would meet often and have fun.  He has a great sense of humor. 

The first time I met him I didn’t know he was married.  Our relationship lasted for a year and a half.  When I discovered he was married and had children, I ended the relationship.  I was in college then.  He always seduced me to have sex with him, but I would always decline till I ended the relationship.  

After meeting again, he kept on pushing me to have sex with him.  Then one day, I relented.  I got pregnant.  Now, my husband believes the child I gave birth to is his.  Yet, he would sometimes ask me if our child looks like him.  I feel guilty when this happens.  While I was pregnant, my ex-boyfriend would still communicate with me.  Then suddenly, he just stopped communicating.  I felt betrayed and neglected.  He once told me that he might have other girlfriends, but I will always be his special one because he is the father of my child.  He even prodded me to leave my husband because my husband is addicted to drugs and e-games. 

Once, he sent me a message and asked me to call him.  I haven’t yet.  I am tempted to do so, but I am controlling myself not to.  I love my husband, but I still have feelings for my ex-boyfriend.  No one knows that my husband isn’t the father of my child.  How do I move on and forget my ex-boyfriend?  I need help on this.

Desperate woman

Dear desperate woman, 

According to Michael Eric Dyson in an article entitled “Why Do Men Cheat?” there are different types of men who cheat.  The more common ones are called the accidental, occasional, and the habitual.  The accidental cheaters can be described accurately by the song Terminal by Rupert Holmes.  The song tells a story of  a man who met a woman on the bus and fell in love with her.  Then he realizes he has kids and a wife.  These men usually will not repeat the cheating and they become truly remorseful.  The occasional cheaters are those who take advantage of a situation that leads to cheating.  They are inconsiderate of others and are insensitive to the feelings of others.  Then there are the habitual cheaters who cheat every chance they get.

With what you’ve written so far, it seems that your boyfriend is more than just a cheater.  Aside from being a cheater, he has this distorted view of reality.  He feels that his job is to save you from a “bad” husband.  Yet, he is not in any condition to help you.  He manipulates you into thinking that he is “the answer” to all your problems.  Yet, he leaves you when you need him the most.  Then, when it suits him, he gets in touch with you again.  Never did he consider the consequences you would have to endure because of his need to boost his ego.

I think you have been doing a good job stopping yourself from being manipulated by your ex-boyfriend.  Right now, you are holding on to a “guilt” that you will have to carry for the rest of your life.  You will have to tell yourself all the time that your ex-boyfriend does not see you as a human being but an object that he can play with whenever he wants to.  You have to imagine in your head that like a toy, after he is done playing with you, he will put you in a cabinet till he feels the need to play with you again.  Then imagine yourself in the dark cabinet without knowing when you will see the light again.  That is what life is with him. 

Moving on would mean to be able to shift your focus from one thing to another, then benefit from that.  The only way to move on is to realize that your ex-boyfriend is not the kind of person you would like to waste your energy on.  Shift your attention to your child and your husband.  See your child as separate from your ex-boyfriend.  Give him/her all the love he/she deserves.  Help your husband resolve his addiction problem.  You said you’re pretty much okay with your husband.  You’re better off with him than with your ex-boyfriend because the only person your ex-boyfriend cares for is himself.  Bring your husband to a therapist and counselor who can help him with his addiction problem.  Your husband can change, but your ex-boyfriend will not change. Eppy

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E-mail eppygochangco@gmail.com.