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'The doctor is in and out... in and out...'

Nobel prize-winning pharmacologist Robert Furchgott, whose work with the gas nitric oxide helped develop the anti-impotency drug Viagra, died in Seattle at the age of 92. He “furchgott” to breathe? Nope. Basta NANIGAS na lang s’ya!

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And speaking of tigas, ASTIG pa rin sa news hanggang ngayon and people are still talking about the “plight of KAT-HAY” — ooops, sounds like an airline service. No again. This one’s about the “secret service” which, accidentally or by some other reason, became open to public viewing which involved a doctor and a “doctored” celebrity.

The others in this “shooting incident” were not “doctored”, but they were definitely thoroughly checked up physically by the doctor. All the ladies underwent a complete “sexecutive” check up — including a triple X-ray!

Here is one doctor who is always in and out!

Better if we just call it HAY-KAT — at least tunog sapatos lang. KAT-HAY sounds “abattoirish” — parang slaughter. Could it be that for this doctor, slaughter is the best medicine?

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But actually, this is how most men call these secret places in their macho lingo — KATAYAN—where they INTER-tain their lady guests — also their BEDquarters (pwede ring HEADquarters pala) or their ORIFICIAL residence! Ngek!

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Here are the basic requirements of a simple but okey lang na Pokpok Arts Theater ( “theater” inasmuch as some of the performances are open to the public): Bed, air-con and refrigerator.

Other needs: Lots of towels, mouthwash, chewing gum and candies and of course, other toiletries.

Not so important things (pwedeng wala): Television and telephone.

This “aircontroversy” (ang dami kasing shots ng air-con sa sex video na pinag-uusapan) cut short the popularity in the news of the Pacman Flu and the alleged Martin Nievera Fluff in singing our National Anthem — the Department of Health’s failure to quarantine Team Pacquiao and the National Historical Institute’s order to quaran-TUNE Martin!

Aling Dionisia’s ballroom dancing was suddenly overshadowed by HAY-KAT dancing — with balls — in a room!

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When asked if they learned a lesson from this recent sex video scandal, a young woman even furnished this writer with the following sure-fire tips for girls in case they encounter a doctor of medi-CINE — now you know why a doctor like Dr. No Pants loves to make movies — the word “medicine” ends with CINE.

One: If you finally decide to have sex with your boyfriend, just be sure you do it with the lights out.

Two: In case you are afraid of the dark, do a “Sadako” like in the horror movie The Ring. Let your hair down all the time. Para hindi kayo masyadong makilala.

And Three: Request your lover to call you by another name.

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Basilio: Bakit ba sa Camara (House of Representatives/Congress) inilalapit ang kasong ito tungkol sa sex videos?

Crispin: Eh kasi, ang pinag-uusapan dito ay KAMA at CAMERA!

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Kat: “Binaboy n’ya ako!”

Foreign Correspondent: Excuse me, please translate that in English.

Kat: “Ah... he SWINED me!”

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The actress-victim’s name speaks and carries the message of what took place in that one-set shooting — HALI-HALILI SILA SA KATRE!

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Doctor Zhivago: Si Doc ba talaga ang nasa video?

Doctor Kildare: KHO MISMO!

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Padre Salvi: Manny Pacman is the Pound for Pound King.

Padre Damaso: Hayden F...man is the Pound NANG Pound King.

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A great deal of those who watched the sex videos of the “Medical Director” find the acts swift and short; medyo bitin daw sila. Doctor Do Little?

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Lap dancing is now outmoded. After the coming out of these HAY-KAT videos, a new dance craze was introduced — LAPTOP DANCING!

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Said one indie movie supporter, “Nawalan ng ingay ang pagbabalik ni Brillante Mendoza, ang nanalong director sa Cannes Film Festival sa France sa pelikulang Kinatay — tinalo kasi ng ingay ng KAT-HAY.”

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Hoy! Tigilan n’yo muna ‘yang mga sex videos. Manuod muna kayo ng Joey’s Quicky, este Quirky pala... World before S.O.P on GMA 7. And Wow, Mali tonight at 6 p.m. on TV5.

May the force be video.

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