Help! We’re killing our kids with kindness

In his bestseller, The Sibling Society, Robert Bly makes a wake-up call to capture the imagination and enliven a nation’s cultural debate. He refers to the troubled soul of a nation today: “… a culture where adults remain children, and where children have no desire to become adults – a nation of squabbling siblings. What we are left with is spiritual flatness. The talk show replaces family. Instead of art, we have the Internet. In the place of community, we have the mall.”

The super ego that once demanded high standards in our work and in our ethics no longer demands that we be good but merely “famous,” bathed in the warm glow of superficial attention. Since the natural creative talents of teenagers are barely developed by schools, the quest for popularity is answered by showing off branded clothes which merely enrich the Guess, Gap, Esprit, etc. companies.

The social security system of Filipinos?

We used to boast that the Filipino family was the “social security of the country; that, whatever went wrong, the family was always there to help each of us. Well, this fallback mentality has made us a nation of weaklings. We never seem to learn to stand on our own feet because we are confident that the family will always be behind us to prop us up.

Have you ever wondered why we Filipinos often find it so difficult to get to work on time? Why we take a day off, or a week off, or shoot off to the “province” at the slightest excuse? And why supposedly intelligent college graduates (even PhDs or those who received academic honors) sometimes fail in their work? Or why teenage kids run away and get married and then expect to “move in” with mother and father, counting on the family to support them? Or why teachers “drop out” from school almost as often as their own students? Or why subordinates quit after one “scolding” from the boss, even if they don’t have another job waiting for them?

Not confined to the upper class

These shortcomings are by no means confined to the upper classes. One English friend complained recently that a cook whom he and his wife had “coddled” for almost two years, teaching her the best recipes, bringing her gifts every time they came home from abroad, giving her a good wage, had suddenly left on five minutes’ notice. Her excuse: “I have to go home to the province with my sister!”

I have heard the same complaint from foreign and Filipino factory executives. One car manufacturing executive once confided to me that absenteeism in one section making a certain small part had shut down the entire assembly line for four days!

Pagbigyan Syndrome

What shall we call the danger posed to our country by a misguided attitude towards life? I would like to call it the “Pagbigyan Syndrome” – in which we approach work, responsibility, duty on “one more chance” basis, or an “Isa pa nga” mentality.

If we’re late for work, we expect the boss to forgive us, to give us “one more chance” – “isa pa nga.” We have been conditioned by our family experience to expect somebody to pick us up when we fail. But the boss is not our itay or inay. And we are no longer children. But, in our hearts, we are still children. It comes as a rude shock to us that we must cope with an adult world and that the boss is not as forgiving as mother or father.

We have become a nation of weaklings because we have allowed our parents to coddle us like children, and we could well be repeating the process, and our children, doing the same, unless we do something now.

Europeans, Americans do not love their children less

In sharp contrast, European and American parents demand that their children stand on their own two feet from the very beginning. We say this is an “impersonal” and “heartless” approach to life, but it makes sense. I don’t think Europeans or Americans love their children any less than we do. But they “ration” love out sensibly, so their children won’t drown in a sea of affection. They know that in the big, bad world outside the four walls of the home, nobody is going to be doing anything free for their children, and thus they train their children to defend themselves against the hardships, disappointments, pitfalls and shocks of the real world.

For instance, I have observed that Europeans and Americans insist that their kids work for their allowances as early as high school and demand that they live a more or less independent existence once they get to college. In the USA, I found my 19-year-old niece in Philadelphia, a junior college student worrying about her income tax! Anna, born and raised in the States, had earned a considerable amount of money in a summer job as a waitress. She’s not unusual. Most American kids do the same thing. When I was 19, I was already married, but had never worked a day in my life.

Teenagers yearn for economic independence

It’s true that a few Filipino business entrepreneurs put their children to work in offices, shops or factories (but these are usually their own). Most Filipino parents still cling to the notion that their sons or daughters won’t be ready for adult responsibilities after college. During two-month summer breaks, therefore, they finance expensive trips for them to Hong Kong or Europe or the US or to Clark Field or Subic or picnics, junkets, a round of partying to keep them occupied. Why don’t we simply occupy them with (that awful word) WORK? The worst offenders of all are the parents who proudly announce that they fought their way up from poverty; that they “came up the hard way” or graduated from “the school of hard knocks.” They tend to turn their backs on the struggle and adversity that made them successful and insist that their kids “enjoy the kind of life they themselves never had.”

Or Family Pagbigyan Syndrome, alas, regards the Work Ethic as something undesirable. “Don’t worry,” we’re soothed. Papa or kuya will pay the bills.”

Filipino maturation delayed by 4 to 6 years

In my own school we have tried to recruit yearly during the past 50 years teachers for our five Operation Brotherhood Montessori schools. We barely fill the quota. We get a great many applicants all right – all of them with college diplomas and degrees. Between 500 and 600 apply annually. Less than 15 percent pass the tests. We give them IQ, Aptitude and Temperament tests and the great majority don’t make it. A lot of them fail on the test for “emotional stability.”

We have therefore, concluded that owing to the Filipino family system, the maturation of a Filipino to adulthood is delayed by four to six years – even 10 years. Many Filipino “products” of our family system never grow up.

Are you an over indulgent parent?

During the past 30 years, we have accumulated case studies on the different family situations that affect the Filipino child and have collated them. The most common failing of the Filipino family is that we “kill our children with kindness.” For instance, my head teacher narrated that Julie’s parents were called since she was caught cheating. She admitted to her wrongdoing before the teacher, and her grade in Personality Development was affected. Her mother reasons out: “It’s my fault. I forgot to get a copy of the book she needed to review for the exams. She told me about it at the start of classes, but I have been very busy to attend to her. Do you think you can give her some consideration for this?”

Another similar case is that of Jonathan. He was caught cutting classes. He explained: “I was not cutting classes. My mom agreed that I attend to my dental appointment at 9 a.m. I was on time for the first subject in the second period.” Again during the Parent-Teacher conference, the mother corroborated Jonathan’s story. The problem was that Jonathan failed to provide the excuse letter from the parent. Moreover, the appointment with the dentist should have not been scheduled during a school day. Parents who make excuses for their children’s faults send the wrong message to their offspring. Instead of accepting what is right, the child learns habitually to make alibis. Life therefore will be made up of chain of convenient excuses.

On the other hand, I appreciate those parents who do not spare their children from the realities of life. These parents teach the motto “Grin and bear it” whenever their children deliberately commit a fault knowing fully well the consequences. Such is the case of Mrs. Castillo whose child was caught vandalizing a classmate’s clip board. He had to pay for it from his allowance. Another is Mrs. Jose. Her son Miguel failed to submit a project on time. When she received the feedback, she required Miguel to comply with the requirement within the next day or he forfeits his weekend schedule for ice skating at the mall.

Remedies: The word ‘no’ is a useful word

Remedial steps must be undertaken to save the Filipino family from the vicious circle in which it has entrapped itself. Parents, when candidly confronted with the facts, take time to cooperate.

Independence in work, at home and in school makes children feel secure and responsible. Excessive attention, praise and show of affection will make the children abnormally dependent on these things. Your best sign of caring is to help the children help themselves. An occasional frustration of their wishes is needed to help them develop immunity to the normal frustrations they will encounter in life as they grow up. The word “no” is a useful word. Consistent discipline should be applied. Sharing household chores readily matures children and prevents the attachment to either parent, lolo or lola, and even to the yaya.

Children must be urged to decide things for themselves – choice of dress, play activities, etc. In case of younger children, bottle-feeding should be stopped. Sleeping with the parents should be discouraged. Kids should be encouraged to speak out intelligently, voicing their opinions and feelings freely. They will not only become articulate in expressing ideas but will also understand themselves better and become conscious of their feelings. Repression of emotions is thus avoided.

Reform the Filipino family

I’m sure that a few will wax indignant over what I have said about the failure of the Filipino family. Let’s not quibble over this problem. There is much that is good about our family set-up, but far more harm has been done by our willingness to face the harsh realities about it.

Our task must not be to tear down but to reform. To save the Filipinos by transforming him to what he should be. Only in this way shall we manage to save ourselves.

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