On mothering, fathering a son, and the right male ‘barkada’

Every man starts his life within the body of a woman. All throughout infancy and early childhood everyone is closely nurtured by the mother, while the father lovingly helps and protects the mother and child. Step by step, the infant is called by Mother Nature to achieve independence. The boy is usually more aggressive and competitive, while the girl is equally active but stays close to mother.

Mother-son relationship

An American mother raises her children with little hands-on support. Her extended family is frequently non-existent. In the Philippines, whether the mother stays at home or goes abroad as an overseas contract worker (OFW), uncles, aunts, and grandparents readily help in minding the children. Oriental families usually live together in one house.

But what is a “good” mother-son relationship? The key is for mother not only to maternally bond well with her son but she must constantly talk, listen and guide him, so that he grows up feeling loved. Later, he must be allowed to separate from Mom into the company of father so he can develop his own identity from a secure base. With father often away from home, mother must get the help of male relatives and friends. She should live with strong self-esteem so the boy can do the same. She provides the complementary female guidance by which the boy learns respect for women.

What boys need from mom in the first decade of life

Infants not only need to bond – which is the initial feeling of “I love this other person” – but they also need to attach. Attachment is the long-term commitment between child and parent that continues with varying degrees throughout life. We need intimate attachment more than most other animals since we have the most impressionable, and therefore emotionally fragile, brains in the natural universe. If that little brain does not get attached to primary caregivers, it will probably grow up twisted, confused, and a danger to itself and to others.

Mom’s progesterone – the bonding hormone – increases up to ten times in pregnancy resulting in the intimate moment-by-moment infant care. By this time, fathers learn to bond with the newborn by relieving mother of the exhausting work of infant care even for a few moments, especially at night.

Working moms

Working mothers often feel guilty when leaving their children to yayas, or at day care centers. Their office and the daycare should allow them one to three days of watching the child for the first hour to help ease the home-to-school adjustment. Otherwise moms tend to over-protect their child, even over-mother them, when they come home from daycare by buying him many toys, or by even avoiding to discipline. The child then grows up with hurtful behavior patterns during transitions between caregivers – yelling to mom, “Go away” or “I don’t like you.”

Instead of feeling guilty, mother should study the psychology of preschoolers. One way to do this is by seeking information from teacher so she can show interest in her child’s activities. Another way is to go to bookstores, which are filled with books on this subject.

Stepfathers

Boys are jealous, pure and simple. They have a sexual and emotional rivalry with any man who loves mom. If the man who loves mom is also dad, then there is the right psychological triangle between father, mother and son.

The boy’s initial male alliance is with dad, no matter how much mom doesn’t like dad or how dad badly behaves. When a stepfather enters the picture, he will probably have a different style of discipline, which the boy will resist out of loyalty to dad. The boy hoping that his parents would reconcile feels that he should work toward getting his mom and dad back together.

Boys usually feel a profound responsibility to be the “man of the house” when dad is gone. He will not want a new man to take his place. However, many sons form strong bonds with the “new man,” the stepfather. Though he is never seen as a substitute, but is assigned a different role. This must be verbalized between mother, father, stepfather and son. 

Toning down motherhood and activating fatherhood

During puberty, between 10 to 12 years old, the boy starts to resist mother’s hugs and cuddles. This signals that it is time for father to actively keep him company by coaching him in sports, as well as teach him the facts of life. 

Single mothers, or those married to someone who does not meet their needs or expectations, turn to sons to find self-value: “the son becomes the surrogate male companion; developing an emotional structure – a false self – that mother seems to need.”

The love that a mother and son have for each other must change as the boy becomes a man. The mother must let him move into the world of men. She should not only do this for her son, but also for herself. If she cannot let go, she will not make her own passage into the next stage of her life.

Father-son relationship

Mufasa, Walt Disney’s The Lion King, is a sacred king who nurtures his animal domain. He considers himself a servant to his people fulfilling their ambitions and needs. He tells his cub, Simba, that he will be the lion king someday, “All that you see is the great circle of life. One day you will be responsible for that circle.” He gave his son a sacred mission. After gaining this sense of mission in life with the permission and the encouragement of his elder, Simba goes through many trials. As he pursues his quest, he feels a strengthening of the “masculine ground” beneath his feet.

In the past where father had to fulfill his role as a warrior and had to go to battle, male mentors from the tribe – grandfathers, uncles, elder brothers, non-relative males like teachers, filled in. It was the shamanic monkey who was Simba’s mentor long after his father died.

Today, this male mentoring practice is so broken down that it has left dad to be the only king a son has. Most of the time he is forced to work so far away – often at a job that makes him feel more like a beast of burden than a king. In his absence, mother takes over to rear and discipline the children. She usually gets frustrated and fails with the boys. It is still the father’s responsibility, however, to look for assistance in the male mentoring of his sons.

The root cause of delinquency is the lack of older male mentors for surveys have revealed that most juvenile delinquents, anywhere in the world, were raised by single mothers.

Male mentoring, the proper barkada system

A father usually raises his son in his own shadow – a shadow both dark and beautiful, by which he will learn essential lessons about how to live, first as a boy, then as a man. His father blesses him with a man’s power to shape both his inner and outer world as a male. The essential lessons the son will learn from his father are discipline in work, love, commitment and sex. This will help him find an important role in his spiritual journey to becoming a man.

In the Philippines, the barkada refers to the group of male friends or the gang of boys or girls, which starts to form in puberty or between Grades IV to VI. In high school, the male barkada becomes competitive and aggressive. They can dare to venture into sports, drama or business projects and seek recognition for this. If not fulfilled, they can bully and harm younger children. 

Our society is suspicious of the kanto boys or the unemployed and half-educated young men hanging around the corner stores in small communities. They are perceived as possible sources of trouble, ranging from theft, drug addiction, sex molestation, vandalism or even murder.

It is time we redirect our sons to a mature male mentoring

During the puberty years, mother should stop fussing over her son, who yearns to be prepared for male responsibilities in life whether it is a blue-collar job, or a corporate career. It is essential for him to learn how to be a good worker, as well as to be an organized and cooperative member or leader of a team.

The views put forth in this column is meant to provoke and electrify debates over how this nation raises its sons. It is time we redirect them to a mature male mentoring. Our young men must embody the untapped spirit of the Filipinos, which should be unlocked for one day it will light the destiny of our nation.

(Reference: Gurian, Michael, The Wonder of Boys, First Trade Paperback Edition, New York, 1997.)

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