Good Grief

CEBU, Philippines — Perhaps the biggest popular preoccupation of the modern time is the internet – lately, the social media in particular. The social media is a very convenient and effective tool for reinventing reality. Well, yes, it is still largely ‘reality’ that people share on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram but often it is tweaked or embellished reality.

For most people, the social media is a platform whereto create an illusion about their lives that's glossier than their lives actually are. An average social media accountis awashwith meticulously chosen photographs – the account owner in flashy outfits, in posh places, and smiling from ear to ear. The better pictures, the longer it’s posted; because the reality is that the conditions and occasions in them are quite rare to come by.

The social media is also an extension of memorable celebrations: birthdays, graduations, weddings, having a new job or baby etc. It’s like the saying “Out of the exuberance of the heart the mouth speaks” applies. It’s like people would like the world to celebrate with them via social media.

And speaking of occasions, there has lately been an unlikely ‘occasion’ brought into the sphere of social media – the loss of a loved one. The social media, being a very convenient avenue for self-expression, is now also being used to vent sorrowful emotions. At the same time, websites are set up for funerals or donations or just a place to dump departedloved ones’ memories.

There are social networks offering services to create a dedicated social account to remember all the dead people one knows. There is, for example, Elysway, which allows users to make a profile for the deceased, and then allows others to look at it and share memories, photos, and videos. Those who have used Elysway attest that the social network helped assuage their sorrow.

ScaachiKoul, in an article at beta.theglobeandmail.com, explains that Elysway is“a kind of Facebook for the long gone, but significantly more complicated. All Elysway users are called Passengers – they can only see the public information of the deceased. Then, there are Angels, those who have unlimited access to the profile of the deceased. To become an Angel, you have to ask permission of the Starangel. The Starangel manages the page of the deceased by either creating it themselves or asking another Starangel. Stars, meanwhile, are what they call the people who have died. (You can create your own Star page before dying, to get your own story on record.)”

That probably looks confusing to the normal mind. To someone whose consciousness is overcome with sadness from a loss of a loved one, it may only complicate things even further. Perhaps it does not really assuage sorrow, but provides a kind of distraction from the sorrow.

Koul also cites another such network, Deathswitch, that takes in one’s passwords and other relevant online information – plus a letter from the account owner after he or she goes – that gets sent to their friends and family after they die. The network checks in with the account owner every few months or once a year, and if he doesn't respond, it sends his package to his chosen recipients. “It's like a small-scale will that would let your family get into your online accounts after you die. The downside to saying goodbye on the internet is if you haven't actually died but just forgot to check in with the site. What a shock for your sister if she gets an email with the password to your bank accounts and a heart wrenching goodbye from you beyond the grave.”

But, come on, this use of technology may only reduce mourning the loss of a loved one to mere technical procedure. Worse, it may essentially deprive the people left behind the necessary means to heal emotionally. Distraction does not bring healing; it delays it instead.

All world religions have a prescribed period of mourning upon the death of a loved one. For Catholic Christians it’s 40 days. The period is believed sufficient for the grieving person to indulge in his sorrow, to rearrange his life without the lost loved one, and then get on with his life.

Death is not for a show; it is an inevitable reality. By taking the time to mourn over a loss of a loss of a loved one, the person is confronted with the fact of his own mortality. Indeed, grief has a good purpose.