Forget grievances, be ready to forgive

M.R. De Haan tells this story: "I was cruising along on the highway at about 60 miles an hour when up ahead I saw two sparrows in a fierce battle at the side of the road. With feathers flying, they attacked each other with  great fury.

"As my car approached, they became so  locked in combat. Together they rose in the air and fluttered into the path of the car.  With a violent thud they smashed against the windshield.  They were so preoccupied with their battle that they were blind to more serious dangers. Their quarrel cost them their lives.

"How often do we act  like those two sparrows? We fail to realize that in a fight no one ever wins. Both are losers. We carry grudges, and our irritations blown out of proportion.  I don’t know what those sparrows were fighting over, but it wasn’t worth dying for. Neither are our quarrels.  Learn a lesson from the sparrows. Forget your grievances, be ready to forgive. “ (Our Daily Bread, January – December).

The message relayed by Haan reminds me of what the priest said in  his homily, “Some of us  do  not have a peace of mind because of grievances and bitterness that we harbor in our hearts. We always replay in our minds the things people do to us. Hence, we spend a lot of sleepless nights. Forgive those who have hurt you. Let go of your grievances. Be at peace with yourself.”

Harley Therapy in his website declares the following reasons why it's hard to forgive and forget:

•You have mistaken forgiving someone with accepting what they did. Forgiving someone involves finding a modicum of compassion for the other party and their choices. It means allowing yourself to process and heal the hurt their actions have caused you. This does not, however, mean that you condone what they did. You can disagree with their actions and still let go of your hurt.

• You are scared that if you forgive someone you’ll be made vulnerable. Feeling angry can make us ‘tough’  and can act like an armor keeping away more hurt.  But at  the same time not forgiving someone leaves us replaying a painful situation in our mind until it erodes our sense of worth and leaves us much more vulnerable in the long run.

• You are addicted to the benefits of having a grievance. Not forgiving someone allows us to feel sorry for our self and to gain the attention of others for what has happened to us. And if we are unhappy as is, that attention can be like a  drug we want more of to make ourselves feel  better and wanted. Forgiveness  requires  being able to let go of our victimhood and realize that we are ready to feel powerful and able to choose good things for ourselves.

• You think that to forgive someone you have to talk to them. It’s a myth that forgiveness requires a  showdown. Forgiveness is about you and how you feel about something and  someone, not how they react to how you feel. You simply have to work through your own emotions and resentments and decide which one you are able to let go and heal for your own wellbeing. The other person doesn’t have to know anything about your decision. In fact, if we want forgiveness  to involve confrontation we often aren’t ready to forgive at all, but are still looking for more drama.

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