A Secret Shared

We’ve been raised to believe that to tell our dark truths – our past and present misdeeds, even our ugliest wishes – is a good thing. We hold total personal transparency to be a virtue. He is a good person who hides nothing.

Confession is good for the soul, our religion tells us. Not harboring secrets is good for the mind as well, psychotherapists would say. Indeed, having a ‘clear conscience’ is a good thing. 

The hankering to open up to someone is perhaps a carryover of the way we as infants tested and demanded parental love. A baby makes a mess, and expects Mommy to clean it up with a forgiving smile. A grownup person who tells the worst about himself is symbolically doing the same baby act. He has made a mess and expects to be loved despite his blunder.

Disposing of guilty thoughts and feelings through self-revelation definitely has its practical value. But if we must reveal our innermost secrets, I believe we need to be very careful. Not everybody may be able to handle what we’re going to unload.

There are professionals trained in dealing with mental and emotional distress, who can let us say the worst – in fact, they will encourage it – without themselves getting hurt by our disclosures. Trained counselors and therapists have an oath of secrecy, so we will be unloading our secrets into the right ears. Moreover, they have techniques for helping us learn to live with our own feelings.

A priest or pastor can also be a source of much needed mental and emotional relief. The family doctor or lawyer can help a lot, as well; while they may not be in the same level of spiritual ascendancy as the religious, they are often able to perform the same function for the person who needs to communicate his inner torment. In more severe cases of inner distress, however, a psychologist or a psychiatrist may be necessary.

Sharing our secrets with others can indeed liberate us from psychological burden. But it can also later render us heavily laden with regret for opening up. Others might use our revelations against us; even if they wouldn’t, we ourselves might feel exposed and ashamed, and no longer worthy of their respect. 

Those of us who are on the receiving end of secrets must be just as careful with our appetite for confidential declarations. The little entertainment we derive from it can be a threat to our own peace of mind. We shall always be watchful not ever to let the knowledge out.

A secret shared – whether we are the ones giving or receiving – can cost us our precious relationships. The people closest to us, especially, might be devastated to know that we were having ‘another life’ or keeping other thoughts beyond their knowledge. They might feel cheated, and might grow suspicious of us.