“No”

Humans have a fascinating history with the word “No.” As babies and toddlers, we heard the words uttered by our parents or primary caregivers to keep us from situations that ranged from the mildly annoying to the super dangerous. So it was only natural that when we started to assert our independence and seek our own identities, we screamed and hollered the word out during our terrible twos and threes. Only to be told that doing so was impolite.

Personally, I have a strange relationship with the word “No.” It is my first instinct to say it whenever I am asked to do something spontaneous. Over the years, of course, I’ve learned to be more open to new experiences and to ironically say no to, well, “no.” However, whenever I am asked to do a favor or to take care of some responsibility, it is a word I have a hard time uttering. Perhaps it is the desire to please others or the mistaken impression that if I did say “no,” I wouldn’t be considered nice. And so, in those instances when I needed to set boundaries, it took more courage to say no than to say yes. 

Saying “no” is one thing; hearing it is another matter entirely.  I often find myself thinking and rethinking and overthinking how to word requests to people because I dislike being told “no.” And I have to remind myself that when people do that, they are not necessarily saying no to my personhood but just to my request. One can only imagine how much more complicated it can get when “no” gets uttered in my faith life.

I’ve realized that several times in a day, I’ve said no to moments of grace and opportunities for growth – simply because it was easier to do so. But my faith tells me that I can still be forgiven and that I can do better the next day. However, having God say no to me is something that I’ve always grappled with.

There are several clichés and euphemisms that we tell ourselves when we don’t get what we pray for: “When God closes a door, He opens a window;” or “God is not saying ‘no’, He’s only saying ‘not yet’” or “I’m sure He has something better planned.” These maxims might be true but they’re really hard to believe at a moment of deep disappointment. Sometimes, I just can’t see anything past a closed door. And at other times, there really is no window.

It’s at moments like those that I remind myself, I have chosen to love God Himself not His windows and doors and answers to my requests. And that a “no” does not make a relationship less loving. In fact, the word “no” can still be said with great love.