The top 10 tools for effective listening

A man asked his wife what she’d like for her 40th birthday.

“I’d love to be six again,” she replied.

On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, and the Wall of Fear--everything there was!

Wow!

Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to McDonald’s they went, where her husband ordered her a Big Mac along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie - the latest Star Wars epic, and hot dogs, popcorn, Pepsi Cola and M&M’s, what a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, “Well, dear, what was it like being six again?”

One eye opened. “You idiot, I meant my dress size!”

The moral of this story is: If a woman speaks and a man is actually listening, he will still get it wrong.

Is it a communications problem or is it just a hearing problem? Philip Humbert says: “Whether it’s our spouse, our children, or with a sales prospect or our boss, one of life’s great challenges is to listen well.

Often, we are tempted to think about our response rather than listen. Or, we believe we already know what the other person is going to say, so we simply interrupt or wait impatiently for our turn.

Listening, really listening, with our whole being, is a skill and one of the most important compliments we can give another human being.”

Now, here is my personal observation. In many leadership seminars I have given, people from practically all ranks, from different companies and businesses covering all industries have the same complaint. “Our leaders do not really listen to what we are saying and they are the ones who do the talking all the time.”

Kids complain the same way too. “Our parents do not really listen to what we are saying; they always interrupt and block whatever it is that we say.”

Amazing isn’t it? So communications for leaders and parents is important and it starts with listening. Here are few ideas that may help improve our communication.

1. Stop Talking! It is difficult to listen and speak at the same time.

2. Put the other person at ease. Give them space and time and “permission” to speak their peace. How we look at them, how we stand or sit, makes a huge difference. Relax, and let them relax as well.

3. Show the other person that you want to hear them. Look at them. Nod when you can agree, ask them to explain further if you don’t understand. Listen to understand them and their words, rather than just waiting for your turn.

4. Remove distractions. Good listening means being willing to turn off the TV, close a door, or stop reading your mail. Give the speaker your full attention, and let them know they are getting your full attention.

5. Empathize with the other person. Especially if they are telling you something personal or painful, or something you intensely disagree with, take a moment to stand in their shoes, and to look at the situation from their point of view.

6. Be patient. Some people take longer to find the right word, to make a point or clarify an issue. Give the speaker time to get it all out before you jump in with your reply.

7. Manage your emotions. If what they are saying creates an emotional response in you, be extra careful to listen carefully, with attention to the intent and full meaning of their words. When we are angry, frightened or upset, we often miss critical parts of what is being said to us.

8. Be very slow to disagree, criticize or argue. Even if you disagree, let them have their point of view. If you respond in a way that makes the other person defensive, even if you “win” the argument, you may lose something far more valuable!

9. Ask a lot of questions. Ask the speaker to clarify, to say more, give an example, or explain further. It will help them speak more precisely and it will help you hear and understand them more accurately.

10. STOP TALKING! This is both the first and the last point, because all other tools depend on it. Nature gave us two ears and only one tongue, which is a gentle hint that we should listen twice as much as we talk.

Famous CNN personality Larry King says: I’ve never learned anything while I was talking. No one else can either.

Even the Bible has something to say about this. Be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger.

This is the best way to develop effective hearing.

(Bring your leaders to Seda Hotel, BGC and experience two inspiring days of leadership training with Francis Kong in his highly acclaimed and updated Level Up Leadership this August 23-24. For further inquiries contact April at +63928 559 1798.)